America: Why I Love Her/Quotes

Early Cuyler: Mmm. Jerky’s good.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, I-I’m startin’ to feel a little hungry.
Early Cuyler: Again?!
Rusty Cuyler: Uh… Yes, sir.
Early Cuyler: Well, down there in Africa, they got little baby young’erns a-stravin’. Why don’t you do like ‘em and wait for somebody to “please help?” Mmm.
Rusty Cuyler: Y-You got food.
Early Cuyler: Oh! Just ‘cause somebody else wants what you got, that means you gotta have it? Hell, if the Sheriff jumped off the sumbitchin’ bridge, would you do it? Huh?
Rusty Cuyler: Is it the Okaleechee bridge?
Early Cuyler: No. It’s the Lakahachee!
Sheriff: Uh, this sport seems just a little too extreme. I don’t think I care to do this.
Early Cuyler: Oh, come on, now! You got to dance like ain’t nobody watchin’! Geronimo! Oof! Damn it!
Sheriff: Uh, we should jump. He did.
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, then. I mean, I hate not to conform. Insensitive Indian slur!
Sheriff: Hey, hey!
Rusty Cuyler: I ain’t equipped to think for myself.
Sheriff: Me neither. Aah!
Rusty Cuyler: D-daddy, I-I’m still hungry.
Sheriff: Here, Rusty. I think there’s, uh, maybe some mint dust in here.
Early Cuyler: No! Only God almighty hisself will provide for my boy. God will provide, eat anything you find. All you gotta do is live off the land. If it’s food that you’re cravin’, look at all that amber wavin’! It’s all the grain a growin’ boy can stand.
Rusty Cuyler: But, daddy, them are weeds.
Granny Cuyler: Dumbass didn’t plant no seeds.
Early Cuyler: I ain’t too fond of workin’ with my hands.
Granny Cuyler: So, what do we do now?
Early Cuyler: Strap Granny to the plow. And irrigate the ground with the sweat of her wrinkly brow on Cuyler land!
Granny Cuyler: Ow! Oh! Ohh! Ow!
Early Cuyler: You want a fish fry? Then the fish they gotta die. Yank the plug at the bottom of the pond.
Granny Cuyler: Then you wait thirty years for the brim to reappear.
Early Cuyler: Bitch, you sass me, and you’ll meet the great beyond!
Early Cuyler: If you’re the one to kill it, then you get to lick the skillet. Just make sure you keep it on the spit.
Rusty Cuyler: Aah!
Early Cuyler: So your tongue buds are cauterized, and you are authorized. To have a heapin’ bowl of squirrel… Split! You know, like a sundae.
Rusty Cuyler: “Spilt” implies banana, and I don’t see any of those.
Granny Cuyler: And this ain’t cold. And smells.
Early Cuyler: Fine. That’s more dessert for me! You got your salad. Nature’s own all-you-can-eat-buffet.
Rusty Cuyler: This here’s salad-bar station.
Early Cuyler: “That’s a suggested donation. That I’ll be damned if I’m gonna pay.
Granny Cuyler: Are we still in the field?
Early Cuyler: I know that I shouldn’t, but I love banana puddin’. And mac and cheese as high as your damn knee.
Granny Cuyler: Where are we?
Early Cuyler: Fresh maters and taters, just don’t look at the waiter. Make a run for the door on “three”. Three! Go, go, go!
Granny Cuyler: There is a hair in this thousand island! Can I get comped on this, or what?
Early Cuyler: Nature give us dairy for all our culinary. We got all the food that we need.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, I ain’t gettin’ none.
Early Cuyler: Try the womern cow.
Rusty Cuyler: I’m touchin’ a cow’s dick!
Early Cuyler: It’s a free meat-and-three manifest destiny. This land was made for you and me-e-e-e.
Rusty Cuyler: But, daddy, this ain’t our land.
Early Cuyler: Lower that barbed wire -- Right quickly!
Rusty Cuyler: Aah! D-Daddy, this thing’s -- Ow! Daddy, this thing’s a space fence! Ow! It hurts!
Early Cuyler: Damn it! Now we gonna have to go through this damn gate. Aw, hell! The heat!
Sheriff: Hold it right there.
Early Cuyler: Look out, son! The heat is amongst us! Aw, damn.
Sheriff: Early, this time. You’ve crossed the line.
Early Cuyler: This ain’t no line, boy. This here be a fence!
Rusty Cuyler: Ow!
Early Cuyler: And it touches my land, so I say it’s half mine.
Sheriff: Early, how could you steal from these god-fearin’ men?
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, wait a minute, now. Ain’t that a crescent moon and a star?
Al-Qaedan: Uh, we’re giving the old, rugged cross a new spin. It’s the new Christinity. It’s very cool and modern, you know.
Rusty Cuyler: Yeah, but ain’t that a photo of Osama Bin Lad--
Al-Qaedan: No, no, it’s, uh, Kenny Bin Loggins -- “Highway to the danger zone”. So, please have a loaf of our homemade bread. And take your oil-eating beast and be on your way. For soon, the beds of your…
Al-Qaedans: Creeks will run re-e-e-e-d.
Al-Qaedan: Thank you for coming, and have a nice day.
Early Cuyler: Mmm.
Sheriff: Mmm. Uh… Sorry if I cast any doubt. Everything here… Seems to check out.
Early Cuyler: Scoot over. I’m drivin’.
Sheriff: Not till we get around the corner.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, I-I understand the risk of sayin’ this and all, but I need some…Food.
Early Cuyler: Damn it! Ain’t you learned nothing from that first song? God will provide, eat anything --
Al-Qaedan: No, no, no! Wait! P-Please, let us take the hungry, angry, suggestible young man for -- For the afternoon. We are having marshmallow roast.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, I want to stay! Please, can I stay, daddy?
Early Cuyler: Whatever. Have a good’n.
Sheriff: Well, uh, Early, I’m sure glad Rusty found him some playmats there, uh… Dangerously older than him.
Early Cuyler: Aw, ain’t nothin’ gonna happen. He ain’t very sexy with that damn acne. Ain’t nobody gonna get in line for a piece of that.
Female Bird: Ain’t it odd. That a house of God.
Carnal: Looks like a facade for training death squads and claiming jihad?
Female Bird and Carnal: We’re just sayin’. Ain’t it odd?
Sheriff: Uh, you know, these singin’ birds have got kind of a point, there.
Early Cuyler: Yep. Only two sources I trust -- Glenn Beck and singin’ woodland creatures. Listen to the animals for a better understandin’.
Woodland Creatures: The Holocaust was fake.
Goat: So was the moon landing.
Raccoon: Now, what about Obama and his birth certifi-gate? He was born in Hawaii, that ain’t no goddarn state.
Woodland Creatures: He was born in Hawaii, that ain’t no goddarn state.
Goat: Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK. He’s a giant cyborg built by the CDA.
Beaver: There’s a government receiver implanted in your brain.
Early Cuyler: I get my news from this beaver, so I know I ain’t insane!
Female Bird: Listen to the animals if you wanna hear the truth.
Beaver: We got a quarter horse who ain’t a puppet for the Jews.
Early Cuyler: A little birdie told me.
Carnal: That if someone gives you aids.
Woodland Creatures: Don’t ever go the doctor.
Raccoon: They’re gonna shoot you up with aids.
Carnal and Squirrel: Take your big money, go buy yourself a bunch of guns. Build a fortified compound for when the revenues come.
Sheriff: Uh, Early I wouldn’t - -
Raccoon, Carnal, and Squirrel: Steal yourself an airplane, crash it into city hall. Leave a written manifesto, you’re gonna educate ‘em all.
Sheriff: Early, I wouldn’t trust any of these animals, to tell you the truth.
Woodland Creatures: Don’t talk to no police.
Gopher: They’re working with the government.
Woodland Creatures: Everyone is out to get you, you gotta kill ‘em all dead.
Rabbit: Remember back when Florida had them all hangin’ chads? Should’ve been a damn recount.
Woodland Creatures: What? What are you yelling about?
Rabbit: Well, Gore won the popular vote, and he shoulda had a recount, I think.
Early Cuyler: Talkin’ animals. That don’t make no damn sense.
Sheriff: Well, alright, Early. Puttin’ in a pool, bud?
Early Cuyler: What we’re doin’ is diggin’ a liberty hole straight to China. We attackin’ from underneath!
Dan Halen: Uh, yes. T-That’s let’s get this yellow business out of here so we can really take it to those lead-peddling orientals but good.
Early Cuyler: Gonna get ‘em in the feet!
Sheriff: Uh, now, hold on a minute. I have no idea what this is. Yep. I-I don’t recognize this at all. Y’all carry on.
Early Cuyler: Well, what the hell is this?
Granny Cuyler: Yellowcake. My heart is aflutter. I’ve found me a suitor. A handsome young man is after my cooter. I met him trolling on hezbollah hotties. When I posted shots of my hot, nubile body.
Legless Al-Qaedan: It’s for her alone that my lonely heart aches. If she’ll only share with me her yellowcake.
Granny and Legless Al Qaedan: Yellowcake.
Granny Cuyler: He wants me to shield my face with a smock. These wardrobes requirements play to my strengths.
Legless Al-Qaedan: And I’ll take her hand on a yellowcake walk. As long as she stays behind seven arm-lengths.
Granny Cuyler: He said I would know him by his good hooks.
Legless Al-Qaedan: My hands were cut off for reading that “da vinci code” book.
Granny Cuyler: And we will swap spit when I lift up my veil.
Granny and Legless Al Qaedan: But first we’ll conduct together. This yellowcake sa-a-a-a-le.
Granny Cuyler: Aah! Oh! Well, what do we got -- Ooh, you brought your friend!
Legless Al-Qaedan: O-okay. L-let’s keep it above the waist.
Granny Cuyler: Oh.
Legless Al-Qaedan: Is that the yellowcake?
Granny Cuyler: That can wait. Let’s get to know each other better.
Legless Al-Qaedan: Uh…
Granny Cuyler: I understand you come from a large family.
Legless Al-Qaedan: I have seventeen wives. Look, I-I don’t think this is gonna work out. We’re not clicking, you know?
Granny Cuyler: No!
Legless Al-Qaedan: I-I need my space.
Granny Cuyler: Come back, sheiky!
Legless Al-Qaedan: I’m gay, I think, right now.
Granny Cuyler: I didn’t take eight years of Arabic to give up on you now!
Early Cuyler: You dumb bitch! You’ve been tryin’ to knock your damn boots with the Al-Qaedas.
Granny Cuyler: At least he knows how to treat a lady with disrespect.
Deputy Denny: I-I hate to interrupt, but your land’s covered in radioactive uranium ore.
Sheriff: Aw, hell. I put that in my mouth.
Deputy Denny: Why is it your first instinct to taste everything?
Sheriff: Look, what I think Denny’s trying to say is that these Al-Qaedas put all this yellow stuff all over the land.
Deputy Denny: Nope. Mnh-mnh.
Sheriff: Uh…Want to take it from your land?
Deputy Denny: There you go.
Sheriff: So they can use it to invade Alabama.
Deputy Denny: No, definitely not that.
Sheriff: But then why?
Deputy Denny: Yellowcake is concentrated uranium oxide obtained through the miliin’ of uranium ore. It’s all they need to create a nuclear bomb!
Early Cuyler: For the Alabama thing, right?
Al-Qaedan: Brothers, our destiny has arrived. I give you… The yellowcake!
Early Cuyler: Aw, hell, Granny! You done give away that titty cake?!
Granny Cuyler: I got it half-off at the erotic bakery ‘cause it had a rat pelvis in the frostin’.
Al-Qaedan: Do not despair, my brothers. We have another connection to the yellowcake.
Rusty Cuyler: I like cake. What y’all lookin’ at? Hey, let me have that rat pelvis. Mmm. So, there really is somethin’ called “chicken” that you can eat. I was told it was made up by the liberal media.
Al-Qaedan: Hey, man, you like video games, man?
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, alright.
Al-Qaedan: It’s called “bejeweled,” eh? It’s a new thing that came out. I like it. This is the joystick. Point and click and you aim.
Rusty Cuyler: At that man right over there?
Legless Al-Qaedan: Yeah, shoot me! Just stay away from the crotch area, man. I’m about to get real busy, man.
Al-Qaedan: Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh. You don’t get the virgins unless you take others with you.
Legless Al-Qaedan: Wait! That ain’t fair! You can’t change the rules --
Rusty Cuyler: That seemed wrong.
Al-Qaedan: Rusty, buddy, come here. You must understand -- Growing up is all about taking responsibility. And claiming it.
Al-Qaedans: Would you find it so alarming that we started global warming? Well, we did it. We really hate to brag, but your girlfriend’s on the rag. Because we did it. Swine Flu was our creation to eradicate the nation of the Yiddish. That's the Jews. It was us who did it. If your in-box crammed with increase-your-penis scam. It was us that did it. When you’re walkin’ down the road and you feel a heavy load diarrhea --
Legless Al-Qaedan: Excuse me! No! No! I am not going to take credit for global diarrhea.
Al-Qaedans: We did it. You must fake it till you make it, so the credit, we will take so. Before you grow up, you must blow up. The Virgins wait for you to show up. So douse yourself in gasoline. Find a crowded mezzanine --
Rusty Cuyler: H-Hold on a second! H-Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! What did you mean about all that “before you grow up, you must blow up” stuff?
Al-Qaedans: Don’t listen to the words. Just dance to it.
Sheriff: Early, take a peek at Rusty over there.
Early Cuyler: Who, now?
Sheriff: Your son. Your only son. Look -- They got him kneelin’ toward Watkinsville.
Deputy Denny: Yeah, I think that’s mecca.
Sheriff: Well, Watkinsville is over there, too.
Deputy Denny: Naw.
Sheriff: A-and look at his dress and demeanor. He’s clearly on drugs.
Early Cuyler: Rusty! You got drugs on you, boy?
Sheriff: Shh! Cut it --
Early Cuyler: You holdin’ out on me, you son of a bitch?!
Sheriff: S-shut up. Aw, hell, Early. Talk to the boy.
Early Cuyler: Why should I hang out with him? He ain’t got no drugs.
Sheriff: Let him know you’re there for him.
Early Cuyler: It’s too late, ain’t it? They grow up so fast. We really let him down, didn’t we?
Sheriff: “We”?
Early Cuyler: Well, “they.” Sumbitchin’ Jackyl! What kind of father were they?
Sheriff: You pawned Rusty off on that band Jackyl?
Early Cuyler: Durin’ the formative years.
Sheriff: That chainsaw-guitar guy?
Early Cuyler: Yeah.
Sheriff: Early.
Early Cuyler: I did what any parent would do! I turned the boy over to a band of travelin’ musicians durin’ a summer tour. It was all I was willin’ to do!
Jackyl Member: We made sure you cleaned your plate and immunized you up to date. We signed you up to learn karate and trained you to sit on the potty. We taught you how to turn the other cheek.
Rusty Cuyler: Kiss my emerald -- N-No! Don’t do it! No! No!
Jackyl Member: And we playin’ “I Stand Alone” till you fell asleep. Why you feel?
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, man, y’all just chill out on that chainsaw thing. I’m tryin’ to sleep over here.
Jackyl Member: We showed you how to run the board whenever we play live. For that gig in Lawrence, Kansas, we taught you how to drive.
Rusty Cuyler: Aaaah! Aaah!
Jackyl Member: We paid for eight years of lessons on keyboards. So I could smoke a little mother nature, yeah, before the first encore.
Rusty Cuyler: Where do babies come from?
Jackyl Member: Well, I’m glad you asked me that, son. Grab that groupie off of Willy, and we’ll show you how it’s done.
Another Jackyl Member: The ejaculate leaves the penis, and that fluid is called “semen”.
Rusty Cuyler: But does Roman have to be here?
Roman: Hell, man, that’s called “double-teamin’”.
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, daddy.
Early Cuyler: Rusty. I’ve missed you so! Uh, is that chicken? Get on over here!
Granny Cuyler: Ronnie Milsap’s roasters? Get away?
Early Cuyler: Blinded by flavor!
Sheriff: Wait a minute. This jacket’s filled with fake dynamite. Filled with drugs!
Deputy Denny: Don’t put it in your mou-- Aw, come on, man!
Sheriff: Yep. Tastes bad.
Deputy Denny: ‘Cause it’s real dynamite!
Sheriff: The hell?!
Rusty Cuyler: Aw, man!
Sheriff: I put that in my mouth!
Deputy Denny: The boy’s wearin’ a hurt jacket! Clear the perimeter! Everybody, get back now!
Early Cuyler: Mmm. So, how your new school goin’?
Granny Cuyler: Pass me a thigh.
Rusty Cuyler: We supposed to have a class tomorrow about keepin’ women in their place and all, but I guess I’ll be absent.
Early Cuyler: Hell, I forgot more than they knowed about that. Watch this, Granny?
Granny Cuyler: Hm?
Early Cuyler: Drop that wrinkle sheet you call a face down there and put your nose on that knothole. Right now!
Granny Cuyler: Alright.
Early Cuyler: Whoo! I am in control, baby! This makes me feel like a big-ass man!
Granny Cuyler: Wait -- Had you said somethin’ about dynamite.
Sheriff: Alright. Which wire? Which wire? Red. Black. Red, black. Damn. Which wire?
Early Cuyler: This wire right here.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, daddy! No!
Early Cuyler: We’ll see you on the flip!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, don’t do it! No! No-o-o-o-o!
Early Cuyler: The chicken was good!
Rusty Cuyler: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Granny Cuyler: That was a close one.
Early Cuyler: Hell yeah! Democracy wins again. Let freedom ring. And all the young’erns of the world will hold hands and sing. Hell yeah!
Sheriff: Early.
Early Cuyler: Al-Qaeda’s on the run, baby!
Sheriff: Early. Early! Knock it off! Stop singin’! Look -- They’re comin’!
Deputy Denny: Aw, hell.
Sheriff: Come on! Let’s get outta here!
Early Cuyler: I ain’t a-backin’ off this land… …No way, now how, nowhere.
Sheriff: Yeah, well, you gonna need a little help. I called the drive-by truckers.
Early Cuyler: Damn it! I’m conductin’ an ass-whuppin’ not compilin’ a village voice “best of” list!
Sheriff: Well, I just thought they could --
Deputy Denny: Thought they could what?
Sheriff: I don’t know. I-I mean, they play guitar. I-I mean --
Deputy Denny: And you call ‘em all the way up here to sign your wish book.
Sheriff: Don’t you start with me. I collect autographs. That’s my hobby. I don’t judge you for all the them books you read.
Early Cuyler: I don’t need yours or them drive-by truckers’ help. I’ll take on them damn Al-Qaedas all by myself. Yeah, they gonna get some damn blood for their oil. Them sumbitches ain’t gonna set foot on Cuyler soil! Hell naw!
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: I’ve shot and cleaned and dressed.
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: Yeah! Thirty seven Jehovah’s witnesses.
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: My satellite-service provider.
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: I set his ass on fire! Whoo! Yeah!
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: You don’t cross this here river.
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: Whoo! If it is the pizza you deliver. Whoo!
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: Hey, Reverend, you like to drop off them fliers?
Drive-By Truckers: For This Land.
Early Cuyler: I got news, baby, you about to be retired. So, I’ll be damned if you’re gonna back me off. Of this la-a-a-and!
Drive-By Truckers: For three grand.
Early Cuyler: You talkin’ about all this land?
Drive-By Truckers: For three grand.
Early Cuyler: And you gonna pay me three grand?
Drive-By Truckers: For three grand.
Early Cuyler: You’ll buy it for $3,000?
Drive-By Truckers: For three grand.
Early Cuyler: Whoo-hoo! Baby, listen to me holler!
Drive-By Truckers: For three grand.
Early Cuyler: Let me shake that hand, and I’ll sell you all this land. For three grand. Come on, y’all! Pack up! We movin’!
Granny Cuyler: Now, if the toilet backs up, we ain’t got no toilet and you just crapped in a chair.
Early Cuyler: Wait -- Where is the yellowcake?
Legless Al-Qaedan: It’s gone!
Another Al-Qaedan: Well, what the hell are we supposed to do with this land?
Early Cuyler: God will provide, eat anything --
Sheriff: Early, Early, please -- Stop.
Early Cuyler: Yeah.
Sheriff: Well, you know, you could always, uh… Invade Alabama.
Legless Al-Qaedan: We could invade Alabama.
Al-Qaedan: No, no, no -- No Alabama.
Legless Al-Qaedan: I just need a little restroom break, and then I’m ready.
Early Cuyler: How about you be American? We the number-one country on this planet. Hell yeah! Democracy wins again!
Sheriff: Early, Early, please -- Stop.
Early Cuyler: Bein’ American is the thing to do. That way, you could help us get rid of all the immigrants.
Sheriff: America is the land of opportunity, if it ain’t nothin’ else.
Al-Qaedan: Really?
Sheriff: The possibilities are endless.
Al-Qaedan: It’s always a great day at the Ronnie Milsap’s filet. Hi. Have you tried our macadamia-nut brown -- Never mind.
For This Land Song Lyrics: For This Land. We fought Indians, we fought Russians. We gave ‘em all concussions. We fought all the whites and we fought the tribbles. We ain’t afraid to start no quibble. Three grand. Let me shake that hand. I’ll sell you all this land. For three grand. For threeeee grand. For threeeee land. Whooo! For three grand. For three grand.