Apple Farm/Hog Race owner is a minor character in Squidbillies, as name suggests he is a owner of a apple farm & hog race, he is a medium sized man with white hair, he has appeared only in "Granny Hotfoot", where was obsessed with Granny.
History[]
In "Granny Hotfoot", he is first seen with other people on a horse cart, his first lines are "Apples, apples, apples!, that's right, folks!, feast your eyes on the wonder of a fruit that hangs from a branch and doesn't do much for many months at a time!", meanwhile Early, Rusty & Granny dressed as apple trees are in the bushes, the man say's "What the hell?", the three are seen as the apple trees, Granny eventually moves, the man say's "Code Red -- three worms in sector six", Granny passes by the cart, the man say's "Well, I'll be!, this one here moves like she's on greased rails!", the Sheriff dressed as a apple stops Early & Rusty, the man comes up & say's "I ain't pressing any changes Sheriff, not if they're willing to help me out at my fall fair", Early replies "Oh, you want me to be the Emcee -- step up and run this whole thing?!", the man replies "Oh, you'll be running", Granny runs, the man say's "Running quite a bit, yes sir", Early, Rusty & Granny join the hog races where hogs race, the man hosts the competition by ringing a bell, he say's "Sweet!, now, who's ready to see them some pig racing?!", all three Cuylers compete in the competition, after Granny wins, the man replies "And the winner - the small, uh, girl one, best guess that's a woman, right?", later the man comes back & say's "Listen to that crowd!, they're really taking to Granny Hotfoot here!, Early replies "Granny Hotfoot?!", the man say's "Ha, I don't know if y'all have what it takes to compete with this little octogenarian", Granny replies "Yay!", Early replies "Listen here, Early Cuyler don't race for no man -- unless his pride is questioned and his rage clouds his ability to see his best interests!, so he want hisself a rematch, damn it, right now!", Granny say's "If you want a piece of this, you're gonna have to pick up the pace, Alice", Early replied "Don't you get inside my head!, I'm the one who manipulates my mind!", the man tells them "Put 'em in the gates!".
Later after many competitions, a sign of Granny Hotfoot!!!, the man posted it, later Early & Rusty were eating hog food, Granny meanwhile eats a cheeseburger & gets a smoothie from the man, he say's "Ooh, Granny Hotfoot, looks like we got us a whistle-blower here", Granny replied "This ain't nothing but a witch-hunt (slurps), they after my title", Early replies "We ain't eating nothing in here except apple cores and pig shit!", Early wanted him to form hamburger & taco testing across the board, Granny mentioned "Okay, that's enough of this, Oprah, this interview's over, i'll see your ass on the track", Early said he will, the man & Granny walk away, later at his house, the man gives Granny a treatment, Granny say's "Oh, yeah, that's great", Oh, yeah!", Granny say's "MM, that's deep!", (grunts), Granny say's "So deep!", the man say's "Yeah, you got cramping and tension all up & down you legs & back can't seem to work this knot out", Granny say's "Oh, I wouldn't kill yourself on that one, I think That's a brain tumor that migrated", the man say's "Ticket sales are through the roof, my little purple champion!", (grunts), "Folks are coming from as far away as Ellijay to watch you run in the mud against your firstborn", Granny say's "If he was any slower, he'd be going backwards!", Granny told the man she could a refill her appletini, the man say's "Okay, all right", he say's "Oh, Quit!", (laughs), later the man with a appletini noticed Early & Rusty, Granny was burned by a machine, the man say's "Appletini A-co--oh, Granny Hotfoot, what happened!", Early say's "Uh, she fell down the stairs i-into the fritter machine, which is here now &, well, so am I, uh, I-I just came here looking for the machine, oh, uh, here it is, looks like she fell in it".
During the race of Legend Competition, the man mentions to everyone "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to report Granny Hotfoot, won't be racing tonight", the audience gasps, he replies "oh, uh, calm down now, folks!, we got animals dressed as movie stars, we sure do!, y'all like that, don't ya", the audience cheers, the man say's "First up to the starting line", Rusty is shown, the man then say's "Next up, he's the villain you love to hate!, straight from the sock hop, it's inky tuscadero!", the specters boo, later the man got word & he say's "I'm getting word from the tunnel we have a late entry", he say's "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your reigning champion, Granicus hotfoot!", later the man uses a gun & say's "On your marks!, set!", but Early used his truck, the truck cause lots of damage, spending dirt everywhere, the man replies "No, My beautiful menagerie!", later the hog races are destroyed & most of the hogs are dead, the man response to all of this is "Oh, lord, no, this mess ain't gonna fly on a billboard, okay, that's it, shows over, we're going corn maze put 'em all to sleep, wipe it clean" & walks off off-screen.
Appearances[]
- "Granny Hotfoot" (Appearance Leslie Jordan)