Cephalo-ectomy/Quotes

Macho Man Randy Cuyler: You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!
Female Dougal County Elementary School Student: I ain’t touching you. You got a spider in your pants.
Dougal County Elementary School Students: Spider pants. Spider pants. Spider pants.
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, come on, they just jealous of you ‘cause you got them badass wigglers, and they ain’t got none.
Tammi: Rusty, he’s gonna live his whole life like a freak, no offense.
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, no, I feel ya. We look pretty weird.
Tammi: Look, something need to be done about this, and I’m doing something about it.
Early Cuyler: School’s the damn problem! If he quits, then they lose the opportunity to talk mess at him.
Rusty Cuyler: Yeah, I suggested he quit school, too, but Tammi wasn’t having it.
Early Cuyler: Now, here’s now you deal with a bully. Jinx!
Granny Cuyler: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Now go fetch me a generic brand of sodey pop.
Granny Cuyler: But that’s only if you say something at the same time. And technically, you’re supposed to ask for a co --
Early Cuyler: Bip!
Granny Cuyler: Ouch!
Early Cuyler: I said generic-brand sodey pop is what I want! And now she’s done bullying people, thanks to me. See, you pick the weakest, most infirm person you can find, and then you make an example out of them.
Granny Cuyler: Or you could call them bullies to a stomach summit.
Early Cuyler: There you go. The gastro greeting. That’s when you put one tentacle in the bully’s mouth and the other tentacle up the bunghole. Ohh!
Granny Cuyler: And then you just keep shoving them tentacles towards each other till they shake hands. It’s all about finding middle ground and having an internal understanding.
Early Cuyler: Ohh! I still want me that sodey pop, bitch.
Bullies: Use your spider arms, spider pants. Come on, get it. Spider pants. Hee! Spider pants. Spider pants. Spider pants.
Early Cuyler: A quadruple dutch clutch with an open-air handshake competent? Ha! That ain’t never been attempted.
Tammi: He got expelled.
Granny Cuyler: No big loss. The boy’s never gonna run his own landscaping company. Let’s get real here.
Early Cuyler: Yeah, we squids ain’t never been known for our, uh, um -- Damn, uh, what’s that organ that makes the mind sentences? Uh, you know, that pink, uh, fillin’ thing that’s in the head that mobilizes the -- The -- The thinking…
Tammi: The brain.
Early Cuyler: What’s the hell’s a brain?
Tammi: And that’s exactly why I’m getting his squid parts cut off.
Early Cuyler: You gonna cut his wigglers off?
Granny Cuyler: Are you crazy, bitch?
Early Cuyler: To hell you say.
Rusty Cuyler: Ain’t that gonna hurt him?
Early Cuyler: How’s he gonna wiggle these in the air like he just don’t care?
Granny Cuyler: Oh, no, he’ll always look like he does care.
Tammi: Sorry, y’all, but I’m his legal guardian, and the decision has been made.
Rusty Cuyler: But he’s part squid, Tammi.
Tammi: He’s a human with squid parts.
Early Cuyler: He’s a squid with human parts!
Rusty Cuyler: Why can’t he just be who he is?
Tammi: It’s pretty clear he identifies as a human, Rusty.
Granny Cuyler: ‘Cause he been raised by a woman -- A human woman.
Early Cuyler: You just give me twenty hours with Randy here, and I’ll have him actin’, talkin’, and walkin’ just like the squid he is.
Rusty Cuyler: And if he identifies as a squid, then he gets to keep his wigglers. That sound okay, Tammi?
Tammi: No, I don’t agree to that, and that’s not what --
Early Cuyler: Alright, we’ll see you in twenty four hours.
Tammi: Rusty! Early! Bring him back here!
Early Cuyler: Test number one. Randy, you go over there and dig them rocks out of that culvert. No, no, no! That was a trick question, boy! Huh? Squids don’t work, and squids don’t tale orders from no damn body.
Rusty Cuyler: Well, what the hell’s he supposed to do?
Early Cuyler: When I say work, you go on and lay down and use my bag of mulch as your piller, blaming your laziness on a nonexistent stomach virus.
Granny Cuyler: Work at avoiding work, and you’ll never work a day in your life.
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Nonexistent stomach virus.
Early Cuyler: No, no, no! I just ordered you to take a nap, and squids don’t take orders from no damn body!
Rusty Cuyler: So -- So whatever you tell Randy --
Granny Cuyler: He is not to do it.
Early Cuyler: What the hell did I just tell you?! Clean out your damn ears and listen!
Rusty Cuyler: Okay, so, don’t clean out my ears and listen?
Early Cuyler: Damn it! You were listening! Everybody, don’t get in the damn truck! Let’s don’t go rob Boyd’s!
Granny Cuyler: Finally, no one’s listening.
Boyd: Oh, what are we up to, little fella?
Early Cuyler: Just pretend he’s got a gun, Boyd. Go on, Randy. Tell him you want the money in loud and clear tones.
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Money.
Boyd: Oh, money. Well, here ya go, little feller. A shiny penny.
Early Cuyler: You think he’s fucking around here, Boyd?! All the money in the drawer! Now! Now! Now!
Boyd: Okay, okay, okay. Oh, where is he?
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Rocket ship!
Boyd: Oh, you want you a quarter so you can go to the moon?
Early Cuyler: How’s he ever gonna learn the value of a quarter if he don’t steal it from somebody who done damn earned it?
Granny Cuyler: Give me that quarter! I’m going to the moon!
Early Cuyler: The hell you are. I’m going to the damn moon before you do. I’m the one who wants to go to the moon! Yay!
Granny Cuyler: Watch out, moon mans. Here we come, baby! Whoo!
Early Cuyler: Why did I even do this? Y’all know I have motion sickness. You want some grape juice, Obama? We all out of white, Hillary, but how about a merlot?
Granny Cuyler: Oh, hey, Al Gore. Since you invented the internet, let me hit you with an instant message.
Early Cuyler: Oh, too long. The banterings need to be quick, glib, and too hard to reply to.
Granny Cuyler: It’s Slick Willy. Get him!
Early Cuyler: Here’s some stains for your blue dress, Bubba. Where your ink, boy? Why ain’t you furious?
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, daddy, give him a break. Maybe just explain some current events to him so he’ll know who to be pissed off at.
Early Cuyler: Eh, sorry, son. I just come down with a nonexistent stomach virus.
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, I get it. So this has become work to you?
Early Cuyler: Face it, son -- Just ‘cause your boy looks like a squid and quacks like a squid don’t mean he gonna be good for the grinder.
Granny Cuyler: He can’t steal, can’t ink. Take his little ass home.
Early Cuyler: Yeah, let his mama cut off him wigglers, sew up his ink hole. He ain’t one of us.
Rusty Cuyler: You’re right. ‘Cause if this is how squids are, I don’t want him to be one of us. And I wish I wasn’t one of us, neither.
Early Cuyler: That’s fine to me. Now, don’t get the hell out of my sight right now!
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Mama!
Tammi: Hey, baby. You’re damn lucky I didn’t call the police on your ass.
Rusty Cuyler: I can see now why you don’t want Randy to be squid. If you think cutting his danglers off will make him happy and make you happy, then I guess I’m okay with it.
Tammi: It don’t matter what you think, Rusty. It ain’t happening. This surgery costs $10,000, and insurance ain’t gonna cover it ‘cause nobody’s ever heard of it.
Rusty Cuyler: Don’t you worry, Tammi. We’re gonna get Randy that operation. Hell, I’ll get that money itself.
Early Cuyler: Home safe again. My truck! It’s gone!
Granny Cuyler: No! Somebody took the big dog?
Early Cuyler: Oh, no, no! It’s the backup! It’s the most important thing in my life, except for the other truck and boat!
Sheriff: Denny, looks like we got us a carjacking at the Cuyler place.
Deputy Denny: I’m on it. See? That’s me.
Sheriff: Hey, that was fast. Good police work there, detective.
Early Cuyler: My baby! You found it!
Deputy Denny: Hell, yeah, I found it. I bought it off Iwilltruckyouup.com
Early Cuyler: Aw, hell, no! That’s my vehicle.
Deputy Denny: It’s my vehicle.
Early Cuyler: That’s my vehicle!
Deputy Denny: That’s my vehicle!
Early Cuyler: That’s my vehicle!
Deputy Denny: It’s my vehicle!
Sheriff: Freeze, both of y’all. I also want to exercise my second amendment right here, too.
Rusty Cuyler: How’s my baby boy doing?
Tammi: He came through like a champ.
Cosmetic Center Doctor: Why don’t you take a peek for yourself? Here, I can peel back the bandages and… Whoops, I don’t know what that’s about.
Rusty Cuyler: I thought you cut off his wigglers.
Cosmetic Center Doctor: Well, they grow back. I guess.
Tammi: What do you mean my guess? That cost us $10,000, so you better cut them off again.
Cosmetic Center Doctor: I could keep cutting them off but they’re just gonna keep growing back. Maybe you ought to just accept this is who he is.
Early Cuyler: That’s my vehicle!
Deputy Denny: It’s my vehicle!
Sheriff: Can we maybe put these guns down and -- And -- And, like, talk this out?
Early Cuyler: That’s my vehicle!
Sheriff: We’ll -- We’ll resume right where we left off, but I --
Early Cuyler: That’s my vehicle!
Sheriff: The little arms are about to give out.
Early Cuyler: You took something from me -- My second unnecessary truck!
Sheriff: I bought it fair and square off the internet from your son!
Early Cuyler: That is impossible! I done told him not to never don’t not steal from your own kin.
Rusty Cuyler: That’s exactly why I did do it, daddy, ‘cause I’m a squid, and I steal. I don’t take orders from nobody.
Early Cuyler: Aw, Russell, I know you was always a good squid, son, with traditional squid values.
Deputy Denny: Suck it, fools!
Early Cuyler: I missed him on purpose. I couldn’t bear the thought of shooting my own damn truck!
Rusty Cuyler: Don’t worry, daddy, we’ll get it back fair and square -- The squid way.
Early Cuyler: You’re right. We’ll steal it.
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, can I take Randy with us? I mean, he’s half squid. Hell, Tammi, this is how we do.
Tammi: Y’all are gonna go steal a truck. No, I do not want him involved in any way.
Early Cuyler: Alright, we’ll see you later, then.
Tammi: Rusty! Early! Bring him back here!
Early Cuyler: I got a spare key taped to the top of the glove box. And I always leave this door… What?! I always leave this door unlocked! Denny knows this!
Deputy Denny: Step away from the vehicle!
Rusty Cuyler: Hell, yeah, son! Whoo!
Deputy Denny: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, boy, that’s what I’m talking about.
Early Cuyler: Come on, now. Get in. You, too, Randy. Whoo!
Deputy Denny: Ow!
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, that’s enough. Oh, oh, okay, Randy. Randy, stop.
Deputy Denny: Damn.
Early Cuyler: If you’d have got his wigglers cut off like you was trying to, we’d have never escaped.
Rusty Cuyler: Well, if we didn’t get them cut off, we wouldn’t have had to steal your truck back from Denny in the first place.
Early Cuyler: If you wouldn’t have stole my truck to get his wigglers cut off, then we wouldn't have to get my damn truck.
Rusty Cuyler: Well, if you wouldn’t have had two trucks in the first place, I wouldn’t have thought to steal one of them, even though you told me not to.
Early Cuyler: Well, if you’d have done the damn opposite of what I told you to do, you wouldn’t have damn tried to cut his damn wigglers off and had me to steal my damn truck to pay for the damn wiggle-ectomy.
Rusty Cuyler: Well, if you’d gone to college and gotten a job and married mama and provided for us and raised me right, I woulda had the courage to stand up to my wife and not gotten his wigglers cut off.
Early Cuyler: Well, if you hadn’t-a told me to do all them things, then I wouldn’t have had to not do them.
Rusty Cuyler: Well, you didn’t do all them things before I was born.
Early Cuyler: ‘Cause you wasn’t around to tell me not to do them.
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, yeah, you’re probably right. I guess I should have been there for you.
Early Cuyler: Oh, don’t be agreeing with me. That makes me wrong.
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, I won’t.
Early Cuyler: Why didn’t I not raise you not right?!
Tammi: Whoo! This was made in Georgia, baby!