|At last. Street cred is mine!!
Dan Halen is the overall main antagonist of Squidbillies. He's a rich, maniacal, treacherous, ageless, eccentric, resourceful, remorseless, chaotic, warmongering, power-hungry, insatiably greedy, and incredibly cold and calculating as well as extremely cruel, narcissistic, unmerciful, sadistic, manipulative, businesslike, inimical, dangerous, malevolent, amoral, and conniving minion-of-darkness and resident of Dougal County. He is the owner and Chief Executive assistant of Dan Halen Sheet Rock International, and was the CEO, until he hired Early Cuyler as the "corporate fall guy" to accept liability for his recklessness, e.g. "certain class action lawsuits which may or may not, and currently are in litigation", in perhaps the most memorable episode from the first season.
He is super intelligent; this is chiefly manifested via his formal 'English' accords, manner-of-speech, and literary eminence. In that respect, he is similar to Sideshow Bob, from The Simpsons.
Also, Dan Halen 'allegedly' runs a shadow government called "Serpents of the Round", along with other schemes involving him trying to capitalize on inventions which often have horrific and pre-expected side effects on the townspeople.
Dan Halen recently has fallen into bankruptcy in the episode "Rich Dan, Poor Dan", where he was officially broke for the first time in the series, and all of his belongings were taken to the bank. According to the said episode, he had over hundreds of employee's working for him.
Personality and Traits
Dan Halen has shown little to no remorse when preforming his schemes and continuously makes the lives of every resident of Dougal County miserable. He is often portrayed as the literal incarnation of evil. He sued a family (after his products killed their baby and thus they used a copyrighted term to describe it), sent countless contractors to their deaths in the construction of a strange demonic tower, infested the county with his flesh-melting body spray (killing almost every resident, only stopping because he thought he was giving the body spray away at that point), was responsible for the black plague that affected Europe during the Renaissance, and is affiliated with a strange alien race that planned to take over the world for his benefit.
He is treacherous and extremely manipulative, in more than one occasion tricking the Cuyler family into thinking that he was going to help them. He would then betray them for his own interests, such as when he implanted a chip into Granny Cuyler that forced her to smoke after Early asked Dan Halen if he would be willing to pay for an operation to save her life. Although he is often portrayed as hardhearted, Dan Halen has sympathy towards people that is often overlooked. He founded a charity organization to benefit people who, like him, were born without knees (of which he is the only member, amputees need not apply since they don't have feet). He also funds the Dan Halen achievers summer camp which allows high achievers throughout Dougal County to experience firsthand the interior of an active volcano, and a Hair Dryery.
Dan Halen Industries
Dan Halen is the current owner of Dan Halen Sheet Rock Industries; which manufactures sheet rock material. Besides sheetrock, which he never seems to have anything to do with; Dan Halen's company sells several products as well as having ownership of several establishments across the Squidbillies universe. Dan Halen also ventures into several illegal and illicit activities; including but not limited to diamond mining and bio-engineering supermen, corn, mythical animals and hot wings. His products include Glug, Baby Hammock, Baby Death Trap, Ice Wind, the Pocket Surgeon, Zesty Ranch Baby Tacos, and the "Tan Man" body stencil. He has also sold weapons to Third World countries, and has run illegal cock-fighting rings, an illicit endangered species hunting safari, illegal cloning, a lottery, and banning confederate flag themed imagery. Dan Halen Industries also has numerous locations and dummy corporations that include baseball stadiums, restaurants, a museum dedicated to Robert E. Lee (however he might have disposed of it, as it turned out the letters in which he based the museum were forgery), granite themed caverns, and the biggest building in all of Dougal County, the Dan Halen Headquarters. It seems that almost all of Dan Halen's products are deadly or dangerous, as several characters have died while trying samples of his body spray, as well as having developed tumors and spontaneously combusted from eating his hot wings, as well as injuries and death inflicted from such products as the Baby Hammock. The only product that Dan Halen himself tries are his tanning tattoos, which he has one between his legs which says "born to pork", and "kiss my ass" (however, it might have been only for promotion during his interview).
- "Those without knees kneel before no man."
- "That's impossible, everyone knows energy comes from ancient dino blood."
- "We'll all have a laugh about this another day, well at least some of us will."
- "Stop! This has gone too far! We're practically giving it away."
- "He'll what... un-darn my socks? I don't wear shoes, motherfucker!"
- "He's executing every move exactly like everyone else like no one I've ever seen! He's on FIRE!"
- ¨At last, Street Cred is MINE!!¨
- "Snap to it bumkin, I have you 'til 6!"
- "You think this is the only illegal thing I have to do today?!"
- "Quickly, summon forth some bitches from Accounting for a pansexual adventure THROUGH TIME!"
- "Time is short and so will be your very lives!"
- "Fire up your whore swallower now!"
- "Life begins at arousal."
- "You'll never get away with this. Damn it, they will!"
- "Oh, Melissa, come now. My team of five tailors sews my pants on me one thread at a time, just like everyone else."
- "I'll have you know, this whole plant runs on clean burning styro'foam!"
- "(laughing) I remember, I made that guy taste the chain. 'Taste the chain,' I said. Again and again. Long after he was incapable of tasting anything."
- "So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. Do you have a point... with this?
- "Everyone tortured political prisoners during the Medieval Era!"
- "This sacrifice lead to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful."
- "I was taking the nail out! I was trying to help the man." (re. the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ)
- "Well it's not like I invented fire."
- "So I spread some of the black plague."
- "Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British Museum."
- "Well that… that was just an accident." (re. the extinction of the dinosaurs)
- "Mondays, right? I SAID, 'MONDAYS, RIGHT?!'"
- "Well, I'm going to get some GobblediGoos. Does anyone have... $275,000?
- "Hide it in the mayo!"
- Dan Halen has lived since the beginning of time
- Dan Halen is one of the few characters who is not easily tricked, while the other characters are easily fooled and the several reasons are pointed out they are being fooled, Dan Halen is tricked only when plot is not given away, such as the time when Granny wrote the fake letters by Robert E. Lee, the audience is not given a clue it is a forgery until Dan Halen is told they are forged.
- Dan Halen is one of the few, or maybe the only character Early doesn't directly disrespect
- Dan Halen's name is based on the band "Van Halen."
- Dan Halen has existed throughout known history, having been knowingly dated back to the destruction of the dinosaurs, whose extinction he may have caused.
- Dan Halen has died at least a few times throughout the entire series and he died by being ripped in half by a giant mutant corn monster in "Mud Days and Cornfused", the second was in "Class of '86" after being shot by the Sheriff who he had bullied since high school, (This is ironic due to the fact the sheriff, a character who dies in many episodes, survives both episodes Halen dies.), and the third was in "Granite Caverns" where he gets crushed by his prized "Lester's Penis".
- Dan Halen presumably dies in "Meth O.D. to My Madness" from a Meth Lab explosion, and in "The War on The War on Christmas", he may have been one of the several people that was killed by his giant evergreen Christmas tree falling down due to Early's actions.
- The latter episode also showed that Dan Halen wasn't evil in any sort of way as he teamed up with everyone in the county to save Tammi's son Randy from tolerate hating Early, and the first person that told everyone to grab the Christmas tree from falling down.
- Dan Halen (along with several other characters) was originally going to appear in the episode "Bubba Trubba", but scrapped in the final product.
- In "God's Bro". Dan Halen's wheelchair-bound mother is shown before she is thrown into a black hole by her son. Her only words were "It's dark in here." Halen's mother is shown to have the same voice as him.
- He does 50 squats every morning, despite not having knees.
- Despite his name being based on "Van Halen." His appearance, and even voice is very reminiscence of "Jim Morrison."
- In "Class of '86", as it was revealed that Dan Halen went to high school with Sharif, but was bullying him (and his death in the episode later on), other people such as Glenn, his future wife Donna, Boyd, Reverend, Krystal, and African also attended the same school as him, and Sharif. They would always laugh at Sharif while Dan was bullying him.
- In the episodes "The Inkubator Lives!", and "A Jailhouse Divided", Dan Halen seems to work at a restaurant called Jugg 'Unz, though this restaurant only appeared in the eighth season of the show.