Dewey Two-ey/Quotes

Early Cuyler: What in the hell?! What in the hell?! What in the hell?!
Dewey Duvall: Oh, good morning there, neighbor. I’m just posting “no trespassing” signs on my land, to make sure you don’t set foot on my land, which you thought was your land, which is all the land around your house except for the land under your house.
Early Cuyler: I know it’s your land, even though I thought it was my land all this time.
Dewey Duvall: But it’s my land, ain’t it? Yep, it is. ‘Cause the court’s agree, and so does the county, and I got the deed to prove it.
Early Cuyler: J’ain’t gotta rub it in!
Dewey Duvall: Oh, what’s this? An unauthorized adjacent structure?
Early Cuyler: That there’s my home-gym workout room!
Dewey Duvall: Bring it down.
Early Cuyler: No! My crapper! Damn!
Dewey Duvall: Now you get this refuse off my land. But don’t you dare…Trespass on…The land. To get the refuse…Off my -- You know what? Forget it! This is my land. This is my…Refuse. And I’ll deal with it myself!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, we need to do somethin’.
Early Cuyler: Well, I’m fixin’ to do something, a’ight. I’m fixin’ to threaten his ass! You hear that Dewey?! I’m threatening your ass!
Dewey Duvall: I’m ignoring you!
Rusty Cuyler: He’s ignoring you.
Dewey Duvall: I done ignored ya!
Early Cuyler: Nobody takes my threats serious without my damn gun.
Rusty Cuyler: Your gun’s out in the truck.
Early Cuyler: That’s on his land, too, ain’t it? Damn it.
Dewey Duvall: You take one damn step off that porch, and I’ll blow your damn toes off.
Early Cuyler: I’d like to see you try! Ow!! Damn!! Well, I got more toes where that’un come from! Damn it! You won’t do it again! You ain’t got the damn balls! Ow!! Damn it. He does have the damn balls to do it agai-- Ow!! Damn!! Ooh. But the joke’s on you, Dewey Dewey! Hell yeah. ‘Cause that wasn’t my toe. That was my hand. Stop blowing my damn fing-- At least leave me some nubs so I can scuttle back to my shack!
Granny Cuyler: I gotta run out for a bit. I’ll see y’all when I see ya.
Early Cuyler: Watch it! He’s gonna blow your toes off!
Dewey Duvall: Right this way, Ruby Jean.
Granny Cuyler: Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Early Cuyler: Why in the hell does she get to set foot on your damn land? Why don’t you blow her toes off, too?
Dewey Duvall: We’re gonna go visit my daddy’s grave? And as you well know, your mama had sex with my daddy behind your daddy’s back for years and years and years and years and years.
Granny Cuyler: You can’t airbrush the truth.
Early Cuyler: Can I please go back to my truck to get my gun so I can end this once and for all?
Dewey Duvall: Uh, no, thank you. Dewey Double J, keep an eye on this mutt. Make sure he stays on his leash.
Early Cuyler: Dewey Duvall thinks he can outsmart me? I ain’t got to set foot on this damn land to get my truck. No, sir.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, don’t --
Early Cuyler: Don’t what? Don’t use this live power wire as a zip line to my truck where I can get my damn gun?
Rusty Cuyler: Don’t, daddy. Don’t --
Early Cuyler: Too late! Whoo! Hell yeah! Wahoo! I made it. Hold on. What the hell’s goin’ on? Unh. Ow!
Sheriff: Early, you really do need to get back on your own land and stop causing trouble over here on the Duvall place.
Dewey Duvall: Dewey Double J! What’d I tell you about shootin’ people with my shotgun?! You are to use the semi-automatic I done give ya for bar mitzvah!
Sheriff: H-Hold on now, Dewey. Hold on. This -- This ain’t safe. Shouldn’t we put on some ear protection or something?
Dewey Duvall: Oh, right. Here ya go.
Early Cuyler: Sheriff?
Dewey Duvall: You can have these.
Early Cuyler: Please don’t. This here is gonna be against the law of some sort ain’t it?
Sheriff: Yeah, Early. It’s called trespassing. And it’s against the law.
Dewey Duvall: Alright, son, stand your ground.
Early Cuyler: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, please!
Dewey Duvall: Hold -- Hold up! Hold up, son! It’s kickin’ all over the place. Hold it tight to your shoulder, now.
Sheriff: I’m goin’. There ya go.
Dewey Duvall: That’s a good groovy time.
Sheriff: Call me if you need me.
Dewey Duvall: Alright. Enough of this. Get this cowpie off my property.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy! Where’s your eyeball?
Early Cuyler: I-I lost it during a firefight.
Dewey Duvall: You know, I used to call your daddy “Dewdrop Honeydew”. Maybe I’ll call you “Dewey Two-ey”.
Dewey Duvall: That suits me fine, darlin’. You take care, now. Mwah. Oh. Baby. Yeah, yeah.
Granny Cuyler: Mm! Yeah, yeah. Mm! Boy, I tell ya. The apple…Don’t fall far from the tree.
Early Cuyler: And the shit don’t fall far from the butthole! That sumbitch has done took my land, he got a “will they, won’t they” sexual tension with my mama. What’s next? Is he gonna open up a taco shack right next door?
Dewey Duvall: Bienvenido to the grand opening of Duvall’s taco jockey!
Early Cuyler: God damn it!
Dewey Duvall: We never wanted to get into the taco business, but you said you didn’t want it, so you know we had to do it.
Early Cuyler: Well, I wouldn’t want to open a competing taco jockey right next door to an existing taco jockey. But you painted my ass into a corner, didn’t you? Bienvenidos to the grand opening of Cuyler’s Duvall’s taco jockey! Phew. That franchise fee was stuff. But it was worth it.
Rusty Cuyler: How are we gonna sell tacos? We don’t got no right-of-way, no foot traffic, no customers, no oven to cook a taco, and no food to make a taco.
Early Cuyler: Shh! He don’t know that!
Rusty Cuyler: Taco jockey ain’t go no customers either, daddy.
Early Cuyler: Then the price war worked! Whoo!
Rusty Cuyler: No, daddy. They don’t even care about it.
Dewey Duvall: There you go, son.
Rusty Cuyler: It’s obvious they opened that restaurant just to fuck with you.
Early Cuyler: Maybe it’s time for me to fuck back.
Rusty Cuyler: No! You’ve tried fucking back! You have been fucked back! Maybe for once it’s time you don’t fuck back.
Granny Cuyler: Welcome to taco jockey. What can I getcha?
Early Cuyler: Bitch! Is that you workin’ in there?!
Granny Cuyler: What can I get ya, honey?
Early Cuyler: I ain’t here for food. I’m here to make the peace. But also probably some food.
Granny Cuyler: Sir, I’m sorry, but we have a strict “No shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.
Early Cuyler: But this is a drive-thru!
Dewey Duvall: The dress code is pretty clearly stated, sir. I mean, we don’t want no shirtless Riff-Raff in here eating tacos.
Early Cuyler: Alright, fine. I’ll put on some damn clothes.
Dewey Duvall: It’s alright. You can touch Duvall property. Go on. I’m sorry, sir. This just come down from corporate. We reserve the right to change our policy.
Early Cuyler: But I’m lookin’ to make a peace! A-And I’m hungry, too!
Dewey Duvall: Well, the only thing we’re serving to you today is a heapin’ plate of crow drizzled in fuck you sauce with your choice of sweet or unsweet lick the wick of the tip of my fresh flute!
Early Cuyler: Usually I’d berserk on your ass for speaking to me in that fashion. But I’m here in peace. How did it come to this? Two titans of the local Mexican dining industry at each other’s throats. Tell me, Dewey. What can I do to heal the rift?
Dewey Duvall: It’s simple, really. All you gotta do is climb up that water tower and say this simple phrase.
Early Cuyler: What the -- ?!
Dewey Duvall: You also have to wear a bikini and tape a squirrel to your donger.
Early Cuyler: Oh hell no! I’d sooner make love to a hive of bees than bow to your damn demands!
Dewey Duvall: Dewey Double J! There’s another hole in back if you wanna get kinky.
Early Cuyler: My name is Early Cuyler. My family is shit. My legacy is nothing. It’s a miracle I can even say these words, I’m so goddamn dumb. How do I even have children? What fool from the opposite sex would lie down in carnal congress with me? I am a complete failure, a colossal fuck-nut. If I ever dare to show my face in town, you are invited to spit and/or shit upon it. Thank you all for your time.
Dewey Duvall: All these years. I’ve longed to hear you say them words. We didn’t think you had it in you.
Early Cuyler: I did, and I do, and I’ll do it again tell the end of time because I’m a man of pride!
Dewey Duvall: Cuyler, you know, I think it’s time we bury the hatchet. Let’s us just sit down and normalize relations between our two noble houses. There ya go. Open it.
Early Cuyler: Aww. Is this the deed to me gettin’ my land back?
Dewey Duvall: Oh, no, no, no. That there’s a save-the-date fridge magnet. Ruby Jean and I have decided to have us a creepy marriage.
Granny Cuyler: I’ve finally found someone to share the last few months of my life with!
Dewey Duvall: And I, my love, have finally found the person who owns that last little chunk of land that I want. And I’m also gonna need you to move out of that flamin’ shack you call a house.
Early Cuyler: What the? Aw, come now! No!
Dewey Duvall: Ruby Jean just give me that in the dowry.Yeah, I think a marijuana grove which look nice right around here.
Granny Cuyler: Oh, yes! I agree! We can put that garden gnome we were talkin’ about right in the middle!
Dewey Duvall: That sounds lovely dear.
Sheriff: You must be right proud. Didn’t she used to have sex with his daddy behind your daddy’s back? And now she’s marryin’ his son. What a crazy world.
Kyle Nubbins: We are here to join Dewberry Devereaux Duvall Jr, sr, sr…
Dewey Duvall: Jr. sr, sr was my daddy’s name. Please call me jr, sr, sr, sr, jr, sr, jr.
Kyle Nubbins: Sorry. Uh… …And Ruby Jean Cuyler in unconventional matrimony. If anyone objects to this…Creepy union, speak now…Or later. Speak whenever. I feel weird doin’ this. Early? I noticed you didn’t bring your shotgun or your compound bow. I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, Early, but… You need to run out to the truck or anything? This is your mama and your most-hated rival. Any objections, Early? You usually like to speak in these situations.
Early Cuyler: You’re damn right! I do wish to speak!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, don’t. It’s over. He won.
Early Cuyler: Fine! Fine! We lose! Fuck it! God damn. Made in Georgia, okay?! Made in Georgia!