Duel of the Dimwits/Quotes

Early Cuyler: There. I’ve licked the barrel so the bullet slides easy. Now put the gun to your ear and click it a few times. You hear that empty sound?
Rusty Cuyler: I think so.
Early Cuyler: That there is how you know your weapon ain’t loaded. And that concludes our firearm safety for today. Now, let’s bag us some horse meat. Goddamn it! Hey, dumbass! You scaring off all the horse meat with your weed whacking.
Dewey Duvall: These is my weeds. Don’t you tell me how to whack ‘em.
Early Cuyler: Well, they might your weeds, but you whacking ‘em on my land!
Dewey Duvall: Your land is trespassing right on top of my land, and you need to get your land the hell off of my land!
Early Cuyler: Well, if it ain’t Dewey Duvall Jr., trespassing on Cuyler land.
Dewey Duvall: Early Cuyler -- I should have known it was you. From the fact that you’s green and have eight legs and I clearly recognized you from knowing you before. How’s your daddy been, and all them other ass-faced sumbitches in your family that I hate?
Dewey Duvall: Oh, we ain’t never been better. Thanks for askin’. Until yesterday, when daddy put a deer stand in a cellphone tower made out to look like a tree but it wasn’t a tree at all, it was a cellphone tower, and he’s ‘cause the radiation fried his brain.
Early Cuyler: Oh, goodness, Dewey. That’s just too bad his brain couldn’t reject radiation the way my mama rejected his pathetic romantic advances.
Dewey Duvall: Oh, your mama didn’t reject my mama. Far from it. He milked that cow like he owned it. He could start a greek-yogurt factory with all the milk he got off that cow.
Early Cuyler: Say that to my face!
Dewey Duvall: I think I just did!
Early Cuyler: Come a little closer. My face ain’t heard it close enough.
Dewey Duvall: Oh, I would, but I’m afraid you’d try to kiss me and make love to me -- Just like your mama did with my daddy -- Over and over and over and over again!
Early Cuyler: Rusty, say what he said to my face so he can see that I won’t try to make love to him and kiss him all over, so he can say it to my face later.
Rusty Cuyler: Alright. He made a crude comparison to Granny’s love-making to milking a cow and further implied that his daddy didn’t have to own a cow ‘cause he was getting a lot of sex with Granny for free out of wedlock.
Early Cuyler: What the hell did your mouth just say to me?! Now say it to the gun!
Dewey Duvall: Now, if y’all Cuylers are gonna fight, don’t be doing it on Duvall land.
Early Cuyler: It ain’t your land! You trespassing on Cuyler land.
Dewey Duvall: You’re trespassing on Duvall land!
Early Cuyler: You’re on my land!
Dewey Duvall: Get off my land!
Early Cuyler: Get off my land!
Dewey Duvall: Why don’t you come over here and say that to my face?!
Early Cuyler: I would, but I might kiss you and make love to you like you said to my mama done to your daddy, but she didn’t!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, I-I feel like you’re covering the same ground here.
Early Cuyler: I’m just repeating it to make sure he gets what I’m saying.
Dewey Duvall: What, that you won’t kiss me and make love to me? Oh, I get that!
Early Cuyler: That ain’t at all my damn point! The point is this is my goddamn land!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, we should probably go.
Early Cuyler: No! They should probably go!
Dewey Duvall: We ain’t going nowhere! We’re here to bury my daddy on Duvall land.
Early Cuyler: Well, where you gonna bury him? I need to know so I don’t spit all over his grave, even though you know I will.
Dewey Duvall: You ain’t never gonna fill him. We’re gonna bury him so deep that his skeleton’s gonna be eating egg rolls with the Vietnamese.
Early Cuyler: Right over there by that headstone?
Dewey Duvall: Damn it, I knew they’d find the unmarked grave if we marked it.
Early Cuyler: You get them bones off Cuyler land or I’m gonna get ‘em off for ya!
Dewey Duvall: Your verbalizations don’t intimidize us, Cuyler. We gonna be watching you.
Early Cuyler: Reverse psycho-somaticism. You ain’t gonna be watching, and that’s exactly when I’m gonna be here to flip that headstone.
Dewey Duvall: Go over there and flip it, see what you might not get.
Early Cuyler: Come on, Rusty, let’s go. I ain’t gonna flip that sumbitching pathetic gravestone, ‘cause that exactly what you think I want me to do! We flipping that gravestone right now!
Granny Cuyler: Ooh, fun! Who’s final resting place is gonna desecrate?
Early Cuyler: Dewey goddamn junior senior senior.
Granny Cuyler: Dewdrop honeydew? He passed?!
Early Cuyler: Huh. That’s a damn weird-ass reaction. Seeing as how you rejected Dewey junior senior senior for my daddy.
Rusty Cuyler: So that stuff about free milk was true?
Granny Cuyler: Yes, baby. The sex was mind-blowing but I loved him. I truly loved him.
Early Cuyler: And by “him,” she means your grandaddy, not Dewey Duvall --
Granny Cuyler: Let me tell my story.
Early Cuyler: I’ll take the story from here. When Ga Ga Pee Pap was young, he could charm the birds straight out of the sumbitching tree.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Get out of that tree, birds… …And get into my mouth.
Early Cuyler: Your daddy was naturally drawn to Ga Ga. Daddy, I’d like to ask my sister’s hand in marriage.
Pappy Cuyler: Well, let me think on it. Okay. I think that will work.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Hot damn. Let’s do this.
Granny Cuyler: Well, this is a big decision. I-I think I need more time.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: You already fourteen, How much more time do you need? As the years passed, their love fermented into the finest wine. But Dewey Duvall came along and tried to sever my parents’ special bond.
Granny Cuyler: Mm!
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: What the fuck! Look at my favorite robe. You warshed it with my rebel flags. I’ll look like a fool at the cross-burning. It ain’t even breast cancer month. Bleach my robe and warsh my laundries better than you have been doing. Look at this I’m -- I’m gonna look like I ain’t got no sense.
Granny Cuyler: Back in those days, Rusty, you stayed together, even if you weren’t happy.
Early Cuyler: And you was very happy with daddy! So that’s a puzzling thing to say. Sexually satisfied, too, from what I hear. Oh, yeah. I’m done. I am the best at sex. Tell the boy.
Granny Cuyler: You know what? We are all out of hay, I just noticed. I should go over to Duvall’s barn and borrow more hay for us so we can have hay.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: I’m the king of sex.
Granny Cuyler: What Dewey and I had was real!
Early Cuyler: Oh, real, huh? Real like your hay collection?
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Woman, you’ve been collecting hay all night? But the only hay you bring home seems to be in your hair and stuck to your back. Also, he’s nude.
Early Cuyler: And so Dewey and Ga Ga took their differences to the dueling grounds.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Dewey Duvall, I challenge you to a duel for the love of this woman. But more importantly, for all the land on the other side of this wind-blown tater chip baggie.
Dewey’s Father: I accept your challenge for Ruby Jean’s heart, but not for the land -- I already own that.
Early Cuyler: Dewey Duvall wanted Cuyler land, and the only way he could get to it was by having sex with your grandmama!
Rusty Cuyler: Maybe she just had sex with him ‘cause she loved him.
Early Cuyler: Do you want to tell the story or do I do?
Rusty Cuyler: So they had a duel, like with guns and everything?
Early Cuyler: No. But that would have gone faster, probably.
Dewey’s Father: How about we just wail on each other with rebar? Ow!
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: I got you!
Dewey’s Father: Ow!
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: I got you again! Ow! Ow. You got me.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: But now I got you.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Ow.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Ow.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Early Cuyler: They dueled on through the night and into the early morning, fueled by the love of one woman. And, confusingly, also some land.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Ow.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Ow.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Ow.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Ow.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Hang on, time-out.
Dewey’s Father: Ow.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Okay, now time-out. I’m tired, Ruby Jean, get over here and whack this fellow while I get some sleep.
Granny Cuyler: But I don’t want to hit Dewey.
Dewey’s Father: And I don’t want to hit Ruby Jean. I love her.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: If you don’t hit her, you don’t hit me. And if you don’t hit me, I win.
Dewey’s Father: Not if she don’t hit me first.
Granny Cuyler: That’s right, I don’t want to hit him.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Don’t make this about you. You hit him ‘cause your making this scenario.
Granny Cuyler: I love you Dewey, but I’m married.
Dewey’s Father: I understand, Ruby Jean. Goodbye.
Granny Cuyler: Oh.
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: Bip! I win!
Granny Cuyler: Dewey, no!
Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler: The land is mine!
Early Cuyler: Daddy won fair and square. But if you ask me, Granny was the real winner. And ever since that day, them Duvalls have had it in for us. But tonight, we settle the score -- Once and for all!
Rusty Cuyler: Whoo!
Early Cuyler: Whoo! Yeah, we number one! Whoo-hoo! Hell, yeah!
Granny Cuyler: Oh!
Dewey Duvall: Well, looky here! We meet again. Just like I pretended not to expect you to do when I knew you was gonna do it.
Early Cuyler: Well, I knew that you pretending to think you knew what I was gonna do or not. So now I ain’t gonna not do it no damn more!
Dewey Duvall: Do what?
Early Cuyler: Do this!
Dewey Duvall: Oh, you son of a bitch! Don’t you be spitting on Duvall property!
Early Cuyler: Only Duvall property I see is your ugly-ass face! I’m about to smack it in with a damn stick of rebar
Dewey Duvall: You showed up with rebar to a gun fight. So did I. Guess that makes this a rebar fight.
Early Cuyler: Dewey Duvall Jr., I challenge you to a duel for all the land on the other side of this wind-blown… Where’s the tater-chip baggie?
Granny Cuyler: Probably blew up. It always was very wind-blown.
Dewey Duvall: Oh, I’ll whup your ass, but I ain’t giving you my land.
Early Cuyler: I done told you. It’s my damn land!
Dewey Duvall: Ow. It’s my land!
Early Cuyler: Ow! It’s my land!
Early Cuyler: Ow. I told you it’s my land.
Early Cuyler: Damn it, it’s my land!
Dewey Duvall: Ow. Duvall --
Sheriff: Early, Dewey Jr, y’all drop that rebar!
Early Cuyler: Sheriff, stay out of this.
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Sheriff: Y’all, there’s no need for violence. Rusty and I hired a survey crew so we can settle this whole thing peacefully.
Rusty Cuyler: Yeah, and after they mark the property line, we can put up a fence.
Sheriff: And good fences make good neighbors.
Early Cuyler: Can we still beat each other to death with rebar?
Sheriff: Well it’s not against any law I’m aware of.
Early Cuyler: Ow!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Ow, ow, ow!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Ow!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Ow!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Ow!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Ow!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Early Cuyler: Ow!
Sheriff: Hey, uh, you guys mind taking a couple of steps over to the left?
Dewey Duvall: Ow.
Early Cuyler: Sure, I’ll whup his ass over here. Hell, every bit of this is Cuyler land.
Sheriff: Uh, well, these county maps show this is Duvall land.
Early Cuyler: What?! That’s impossible!
Dewey Duvall: Ow!
Sheriff: And the Cuyler property, well, that’s everything inside these four stakes here. Just about big enough to hold your shack, which appears to have shifted east.
Early Cuyler: I-I moved to a little closer into town, you know, shorten my commute.
Dewey Duvall: Well, you best get your shack back on your land, ‘cause right now, it’s trespassing on Duvall land.
Early Cuyler: How about you make me, big’un?
Dewey Duvall: Dewey double-j, set fire to the shack.
Early Cuyler: No, no, no, no!
Dewey Duvall: Now get that flaming shit shack off my land.
Early Cuyler: Come on, y’all. Let’s get this flaming shit shack off his land. Can I challenge you to a rebar fight? Maybe win back some of my land?
Dewey Duvall: I don’t think so?
Early Cuyler: Maybe my mama could have the sex with you and maybe you’d give us some land?
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, that ain’t got nothing to do with it.
Early Cuyler: Well, I’m just spit-balling here. Would you maybe interested in selling me some land?
Dewey Duvall: Sorry, we’re not on the market at the moment.
Early Cuyler: Goddamn it!
Dewey Duvall: Made in Georgia.