| At last. Street cred is mine!!
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Early Cuyler is the overall main protagonist of Squidbillies.
He is the son of Granny and Ga Ga Pee Pap Cuyler. Early appears to have at least three siblings: his sister Lil Cuyler, and brothers Dr. Bug and Durwood Cuyler. He is also the father of Rusty. Early is a barely-literate, foul-mouthed, alcoholic, ex-convict. He's also quick to anger, and expresses it in violent ways via a shotgun or knives he carries on his person. Early was featured in season 1 as the scapegoat CEO of Dan Halen Industries. He has since run a number of illegal home operations, including whiskey bootlegging. He is most often seen with his 12 gauge shotgun.
Early has been seen throughout the series with many different trucker hats, usually a reference to something he would enjoy, sometimes offensive or rather obscene. Early drives a very large monster Truck-Boat-Truck that is shown to have no brakes. Early enjoys drinking on the job, and robbing the local store.
Early once had a sexual encounter with Krystal, an obese white woman who lives in the town dump. However, in order to do so, she forces him to procure for her a Sony Walkman, which he does by robbing a liquor store. However, the second time he tries, the Sheriff just happens to be there and arrests him where he spends the next 15 years in prison. It turns out he had gotten Krystal pregnant with Rusty. Not wanting him, Krystal leaves Rusty by the doorway of Lil's house. Lil raises him for the next 15 years until a meth lab is discovered in her home, making Rusty a ward of the state.
After being raised by wolves, and then the chainsaw-wielding rock band Jackyl (who, "Taught you to shit on the potty"), Rusty runs away and coincidentally finds his father in a chain gang. Feeling pity for the two, the Sheriff releases Early to raise his son. Early eventually finds employment as a scapegoat for the local evil corporation, Dan Halen Sheet Rock International.
Early is a foul-mouthed, sleazy, chaotic, dangerous, crude, very abrasive and ornery, highly volatile, and extremely ill-tempered squid who verbally and physically abuses his family and immediate friends. He has shown to be quite ignorant of common knowledge, such as the history of the Virginia battle flag he owns. He is known for having a hoard of weapons which if properly confiscated, would consist in a massive pile.
He is also known for putting the lives of himself or others at risk in order to achieve his goals or creating schemes to get rich even if its at expense of others, such as making a religion to get out of paying taxes but in the end, poisoning them all.
He shows great pride in his possessions, Such as his Truck-Boat-Truck. He has numerous arrests ranging from assault to drug possession to much more, even to occasionally robbing a convenient store. He is known for taking numerous drugs and drinking numerous alcoholic beverages. He also has history distributing moonshine.
But despite all his flaws, he has shown a caring nature towards his family (primarily Rusty), such as wanting to get Rusty back when Rusty moved in with his brother.
- He has a variety of Trucker hats that have always been a changing part of Squidbillies. He is always seen with a hat, usually representing what he feels. Examples of his Trucker hats are:
- "Booty Hunter"
- "Lifeguard On Booty"
- "Free Hat Limit 1"
- "Nice Legs, What Time They Open?"
- "Tell Your Titties To Stop Staring At My Eyes!"
- "I'm Did Asbestos I Can"
- "Too Funk To Druck"
- "I ♡ Cock Fighting"
- "Hold My Hat While I Have Sex With Your Wife"
- "Rock Out With Your Jock Out Daytona Beach 1986"
- "No Habla Jibber Jabber"
- "Breath If You're Horny"
- "Divorce Is Strong With This One"
- "The Big E"
- He has numerous catchphrases.
- "Get off my ass demon love, douse the pain!"
- "Santa Clause is dead!"
- "See if that sum bitch'll fax now!"
- "We can take five if y'all need to get busy."
- "Aw Granny, rape is illegal in these parts. Ask me how I know. Go on, ask me one time how I know... It's a long story, but a colorful one... how is it rape when they're dead? Talk about a victimless crime!"
- "Early Cuyler babeh! WHOO!
- "Play that note again, the low pitchy one, you know the one! There you go, that's the one, that is pissing me off!"
- "That's the closest damn thing to a birthday party you'll ever get!"
- "I care not to consort with the roboty race"
- "I'm the best there ever was!"
- "Alright, you corny sum'bitch, the revolution starts right now!"
- "Do not touch the trim!"
- "I'm gonna jimmy-jack them speakers!"
- "I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'."
- "If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, den shoot that lying summa' bitchen goose and suppa' down!"
- "Whoo! I win! I WIN! Whoo! Heall yeah!! That was a thinkin' man's victory there!"
- "You know how much that coffin cost, woman? You goin' in the damn ground!"
- "Allow me to explain the contamination process. Pine cones go in here, party liquors comes out here and proceed to here. Fights begin, finger prints are took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated."
- "Readin' don't never not done nothing for not nonebody. Never not no one, didn't about no reason not never. And by God they never not ain't gonna will!"
- "Why have the sequel when you can have the prequel? The prequel is unequel!"
- "She got the holler heart of a bitch."
- "Go get you some, reverend! She's in heat!"
- "But some other crazy sum'bitch is the one what bangulated and pregnified that white woman. Not I."
- "She was enormous and Lord, did I loved her. For 32 frenetic seconds. Ugh, ugh, ugh, the lovin' was good!"
- "Russell, you need to respectify your Aunt Lil. She ain't some dumb, dirty-ass whore you can trash down like your mama."
- "Nu-uh. Pick it up with ya buttcheeks!"
- "Oh, I see. Just stalkin' for now, huh? Now don't you be textin' threats, 'cause the police can trace that. If you you got something to say to her you best carve it into a dog's fur with a boxcutter."
- Come on nah, thunderbuns. Whoo! The dumplin' is mine!
- Although he never met Rusty until he was 15 years old due to being in prison, in flashbacks Early is shown with Rusty even before the series started.
- He is illiterate, most likely stemming from his poor education.
- He spends Rusty's welfare check on himself by buying brown party liquor.
- He has a large colletion of trucker caps with obscene captions and images - it's unknown where he aquires them.
- Early has a deep hatred for the color auburn, computers, robots, books, learning, and homosexual relationships (except for lesbian erotica).
- Early constantly stalks women in Dougal County including Donna (Glenn's Wife) and Tammi.