Squidbillies Wiki

Elves are a bunch of Christmas elves, that are part of Santa Claus' workforce, that are a bunch of minor characters in Squidbillies.


After Santa Claus is captured by the Cuyler family, his reindeer are all killed, including Rudolph, and Santa's beard cut off by Early using a Rusty fish scaler, a brown bird heads to the North Pole, with a leftover Santa beard, with some blood on it, which two of the elves discover this, with one of the elves claiming "damn it!, we will not negotiate with terrorists, ever!", this line suggests the elves think that terrorists have killed Santa Claus. The elves end up sending Scooter, the Silent Knights, two elves claimed "bring us the figgy pudding" to elves, and the elves from Gordon Camp to the Cuyler house and hear all of this from a radio. The elves also have their technology such as the aforementioned radio, binoculars, a pad with a Christmas Tree on it, and the weapons owned by the Silent Knights. Lots of unnamed elves appear in the North Pole, though most of them don't have lines, however, a few of them do speak. All of the elves are male, however, a few female elves are seen.

In "Armageddon It On!", after Santa hears the news about the rapture, causing him to tell the Elves to stop production of all sex toys. When the elves are "chosen" he brutally kills all of them to death, along with one reindeer, while claiming they are all his slaves, which has been previously established in "A Rebel with a Claus" that he exploits the elves for free labor.


Scooter is a Christmas Elf wearing a red hat, boots and green outfit, who discovers a Christmas list with the words "The still beating heart of Jeff Gordon", with him claiming "what kind of twisted madman would want that?", after being told to deliver the present, which he made for me, Scooter gives Early a wooden heart filled with fruity jellybeans in it, which doesn't surprise Early which is not coming from Jeff Gordon, Scooter tells Early to release Santa Claus, which is their leader. But Rusty told him that he made it, which explained by Scooter, but as a tied up Santa Claus appears in the window tells him to run, as Early claims "damn it, It's a trap!". Early ends up killing Scooter with the said wooden heart. His body later appears in the background, while Rusty wears his hat and boots. He reappears in "Armageddon It On!" alive, though his boots are colored green, not red.

Silent Knights[]

The Silent Knights were an elite group of elves that served Santa Claus. They were dispatched to serve Santa in case of emergencies, such as rescuing Santa. they had were trained in forms of martial arts and tactical planning they worked as group, and could preform maneuvers such as acting like a rocket and sing the Christmas carol "O Holy Night", while disguised as a reenactment of the "birth of Baby Jesus." All of the members of the Silent Knight were killed and ripped away by Granny's three dogs, which she calls her "angels."

When their deaths are heard on a radio, one of the elves tells them on the mike to notify their families.

Gordon Camp Elves[]

The Gordon Camp Elves are first mentioned by a elf to tell another elf, if they heard anything from the Gordon Camp, which a dark-skinned Elf claims that the elves are "not budging on the heart." Two elves from Gordon Camp show up with a present of Cock Johnson, a man of great strength, and has a heart that is quite large, for Early, who opens it, who wanted Jeff Gordon, hence why "Gordon Camp" is part of their name, while the two green elves are in their house.

But as Early doesn't accept Cock Johnson, who wanted Jeff Gordon instead, the elves decide to "forget it" and quit Santa's workforce because one of them claimed "let's just call this my two weeks", and head to Santa to him, telling him "good luck", claiming "the pay is not commensurate with the agony", despite Santa telling them that he can change.

Cock Johnson asks how much the elves make, which they get one candy cane a month, and no dental, which is an issue for the elves. Cock Johnson then claims "exploitation", which one of them didn't know about, but told him "never mind" and telling them that they ever use their fingers to bore out a carburetor, which one has a wooden name placard for Corey, and Cock Johnson asks them for two candy canes a month instead. One of the elves accepts the decision, with two being better than one, and one them claiming that he can bore out a carburetor, which both of the elves accept and they eventually leave the house, despite Santa's commands telling them not to go, but the two don't accept Santa, and one of the elves jumps on the other and the latter elf down below flies with fire from his boots and they carry Cock Johnson and take him with them, leaving. The Gordon Camp elves reappear in "Armageddon It On!", where they are "chosen" during the rapture, before being killed by Santa.