Greener Pastor/Quotes

Kyle Nubbins: I’ll have a side of hash browns drawn and quartered, pummeled and flummoxed please.
Early Cuyler: What the hell?
Kyle Nubbins: I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?
Early Cuyler: You wet behind the ears, waffle noob? We eat has browns one way down south -- Chapped and chiseled, red-assed and soft grizzled, muddy with a bloody buddy.
Kyle Nubbins: Yeah, but I don’t really want a gummy bear in my hash browns.
Early Cuyler: A bloody buddy’s a pearl onion with a ketchup packet for a hat. It’s a garnish.
Kyle Nubbins: No, I’m pretty sure it means a gummy bear.
Early Cuyler: Onion with a ketchup packet hat.
Kyle Nubbins: That’s a gummy bear, sir.
Early Cuyler: That tears it! You want a piece of me, besmirchin’ my browns like you done?!
Kyle Nubbins: Hold on now. I don’t want any trouble, brother.
Early Cuyler: Well, you should’ya opened the damn trouble box then. Let’s go. Right now! Outside -- To outside now.
Waffle Barn Waiter: We could just lock him out.
Kyle Nubbins: No, let me build a bridge now.
Early Cuyler: Let’s get it on right now.
Kyle Nubbins: Whoa, whoa, sir.
Early Cuyler: I’m late, and it’s too damn drunk for this.
Kyle Nubbins: Come on back here to the parking lot. We’ll -- We’ll talk about it over here.
Early Cuyler: No! Cross this line right now! This yeller-dotted ass-whooping line that somebody done conveniently painted for me to whoop some ass on.
Kyle Nubbins: Sir. Sir, sir. Get out of the road!
Early Cuyler: Come on, damn it.
Kyle Nubbins: Look out! You okay, sir?
Early Cuyler: Oh, so you pushing me now? How you like it when I push you? You think I look bad? You oughta see that other feller. I whooped his ass, made him pay for my waffles, drive me to a doc-in-the-box, and drive me home. Then I said, “Get out of the car,” And whooped his ass again. Wa-hoo!
Everyone: Shh!
Early Cuyler: ‘Scuse us. I’m just saying that ass was whooped.
Granny Cuyler: Put on your tie. This is the lord’s house.
Early Cuyler: Tell you one thing -- That sumbitch ain’t never gonna have the balls to show his ass ‘round here no -- Aw, shit. Is that him? That’s him! Quick -- Hide me.
Kyle Nubbins: Good morning, brother and sisters. Welcome. My name is Kyle Nubbins and I’ll be stepping in as your new pastor.
Granny Cuyler: Hey! Where’s that big, big blue teardrop with the face?
Kyle Nubbins: I’m sorry to say he’s moved on to a better place -- First Presbyterian in Blue Ridge. They actually have a roof on their building. And don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for god’s shining light, just not inside our sanctuary.
Early Cuyler: Amen, Jesus! Wa-whoo!
Kyle Nubbins: Okay.
Granny Cuyler: No! That blue guy was funny.
Kyle Nubbins: Well, I can be fun, too. I’ve been known to play a little git-stick up here.
Granny Cuyler: Rock ‘N’ Roll is devil’s music. Ohh! He’s the devil!
Kyle Nubbins: Look, just come on down to the VFW tonight. I’m hosting a potluck dinner. Everybody bring a dish, and we can all get to know each other better. Now, everyone, please bow your head. As I sing a prayer, now watch me shred. Jesus loves you, saints and sinners. I’ll see you tonight at the potluck dinner.
Granny Cuyler: Too much energy. He genuinely frightened me with that guitar.
Early Cuyler: I don’t like him. I’ll just go on and say it.
Rusty Cuyler: Yeah, you said it all the way home, daddy.
Granny Cuyler: And what are we gonna bring to a potluck? We barely got us a pot to piss in.
Early Cuyler: Good idea. Grab the piss pot. Three pinecones. Plop, plop, plop. That’s what I think of him. And it’s also all we can afford.
Kyle Nubbins: Hey there. Early, right? From the Waffle Barn? How you feeling today?
Early Cuyler: Well, you know, I’m still pretty tarred… From whoopin’ you ass! That’s how I remember it, and that’s also how I have repeated it. Y’all hear that? I whooped his ass! Whoo!
Kyle Nubbins: Okay, well, uh, help yourself to the hot dogs and sweet potatoes.
Early Cuyler: Small potatoes is all you got. You lucky we brought an entire rotisserie chicken to celebrate. No, no, no, no, don’t remove that. Damn it, I thought this here was covered dish. I didn’t think nobody’d pull the damn cover off and show the pinecones. Embarrass us to hell the way they done. It’s the thought that counts!
Kyle Nubbins: Let’s just put this lid back on the pot. Nobody has to know.
Early Cuyler: You lordin’ it over me, ain’t you? You better than me, right? Is that what this is?
Kyle Nubbins: No, sir, of course not.
Early Cuyler: How ‘bout I don’t want no chicken? How ‘bout I knock every dish of food on the floor right now?
Kyle Nubbins: I really wish you wouldn’t.
Early Cuyler: If wishes was doughnuts, we’d all be bakers, wouldn’t we? But we ain’t. We’re unemployed.
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, daddy, that’s enough, now. Settle down.
Early Cuyler: You still pissed off about that Waffle Barn thing, ain’t you?
Kyle Nubbins: No, sir, I’m not.
Early Cuyler: Hell, that’s just waffles under the bridge for me. But you -- You gonna hold that grudge forever.
Kyle Nubbins: Look, I need to meet some other people here. You do whatever you need with the food.
Early Cuyler: Don’t you tell me what to do, jackass.
Kyle Nubbins: Lord, please forgive him. He knows not what he says.
Early Cuyler: The lord knows what a jackass is his mama done rode into Bethlehem on one. A jackass -- You!
Sheriff: Early, come on, settle down, man.
Early Cuyler: No, Granny, grab the squash casserole, the bucket of chicken, and the sweet potatoes with the damn marshmellers. He just said whatever I want. And I want me a quiet damn dinner at home away from him. Let’s go. I said the storming-out words. If I stay, I look a fool!
Granny Cuyler: Alright, nice to meet you.
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, well, nice to meet you.
Kyle Nubbins: Okay, well, I-I hope to see you at the church fundraiser.
Early Cuyler: I’d sooner engage in oral saxuals with a porcupine before I’d be anywhere near your fundraiser.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, you’ve done that twice.
Kyle Nubbins: Hey, Early. I thought you weren’t coming?
Early Cuyler: Cunnilingus on a beehive that to pass up a opportunity to dump your ass in water.
Kyle Nubbins: Well, it’s only $2 a -- Hey!
Krystal: You fell into the water.
Early Cuyler: Yeah, they laughing at you now, hoss! Look at this wet fool.
Kyle Nubbins: I guess I am a wet fool.
Early Cuyler: You ain’t no wet fool!
Sheriff: Early!
Early Cuyler: Get the hell back on up there right now!
Kyle Nubbins: Whoa, easy now. Look, Early. I know that inside you’re a good person. Maybe you didn’t have somebody at home looking out for you.
Granny Cuyler: It’s true. I was more interested in my revolving door of abusive boyfriends. You would be, too. There is a rush to that lifestyle.
Kyle Nubbins: Maybe you turned to drugs and to -- And to drink to self-medicate.
Early Cuyler: No, you’re wrong. You don’t know me.
Kyle Nubbins: I can smell it on your breath, brother.
Early Cuyler: Oh, lord, you’re right! I forgot my mints. They mask everything but the pain!
Kyle Nubbins: Well, it’s not too late. Get up in this tank with me. Do you accept the lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Early Cuyler: I do! I do! I love you, lord!
Kyle Nubbins: Then I baptize you in the name of the father and the son and the holy ghost.
Early Cuyler: Thank you! Thank you! I can see! I’m healed!
Kyle Nubbins: No, no, no, you’re saved.
Early Cuyler: Oh, alright.
Kyle Nubbins: He’s walking in new shoes now in the footsteps of Christ.
Granny Cuyler: Third baptism this year.
Sheriff: No, Granny, he’s a changed man. I can feel it.
Boyd: Early just hit me and took all the money.
Early Cuyler: Wa-hoo! Praise the lord, I’m rich!
Sheriff: Damn it. Denny, set up the roadblock.
Kyle Nubbins: No, Sheriff, that’s alright. I’ll handle this. They say into every life some rain must fall. Well, the rain’s gonna fall on us a little longer because the money we raised to fix the roof was stolen yesterday.
Early Cuyler: Who took it? Do you know who took it? Ain’t no way I took the money. I mean, why else would I be asking about it?
Kyle Nubbins: Lord, we’re gonna act as you would want us too. We’re gonna close are eyes in prayer and give our lost sheep a chance to return the money.
Boyd: Gimme a break, it’s Early, you dumbass.
Waffle Barn Waiter: Early took the money.
Glenn: We all know who it is.
Early Cuyler: Back off me now. This badass scorpion cane got a dagger inside of it!
Kyle Nubbins: Folks, folks, please, sit down, please. Yeah, that’s right. Sit down. Bow your heads. Lord, I truly believe that when we open our eyes, say amen, whoever stole the money will have returned it right here. I know he’s got a good heart, and I know that he knows that he’s walking in the light. And for this we pray in Jesus’ name. Amen. Where the hell is my twelve-string?!
Early Cuyler: Jesus loves me, this I know. Look that this twelve-string that I stole.
Kyle Nubbins: Get me back my guitar, Early!
Early Cuyler: Hey, now, whoa, whoa. I’m saved, Pastor Nubbins. I know not what I done. Well, I do know what you done. Where’d I go? Whooooo! I transmitted into the colors of my surroundings. Whooooo!
Kyle Nubbins: Does my guitar change colors, too?
Early Cuyler: Aw, hell. Ah!
Kyle Nubbins: Rip your skeleton out I could right now and show it to you.
Early Cuyler: Thou shalt not do that to my skeleton right now! Surely, they’s a peaceful way to settle this… And… Still keep your guitar.
Granny Cuyler: Why do I have to be in the middle? ‘Cause you’re too slow to be the legs, and you’re too damn dumb to be the head. Point taken.
Kyle Nubbins: Come on, let’s do this.
Sheriff: Alright, you gentlemen agree. One round, whoever gets pushed out of the circle one round, whoever gets pushed out of the circle leaves town forever.
Early Cuyler: Rusty, no! No!
Kyle Nubbins: And the winner is pastor Nubbins.
Early Cuyler: You supposed to be looking out the belly button not the butt hole!
Sheriff: Sorry, Early, but… That means you’re gonna have to leave town, buddy.
Early Cuyler: Well, tough titty ‘cause I ain’t goin’.
Sheriff: But that was the deal, Early.
Early Cuyler: That won’t my deal.
Sheriff: It actually was your deal. You actually came up with the deal.
Early Cuyler: Well, I got myself a new deal now. And a new deal says I stay no matter what.
Kyle Nubbins: So, you’re staying?
Early Cuyler: Hell, yes, I’m saying. I love this town, with all of my heart, and it would take a two hundred and twenty-ton sasquatch to drag me from this town. This ain’t no sasquatch! This here’s just a large dog.
Kyle Nubbins: The best we could do on short notice.
Early Cuyler: I’ll …. Named a fictional creature to make this impossible.
Sheriff: Hyah!
Early Cuyler: Aaah!
Sheriff: Bye, Early!
Early Cuyler: I’ll be back!
Kyle Nubbins: I know.
Early Cuyler: Ow! Please make it stop!
Kyle Nubbins: We’ll see you in church.
Reverend: Made in Georgia.