Lean Green Touchdown Makifying Machine/Quotes

Granny Cuyler: Ezekiel and Jebediah are gonna be bringin’ the outside pressure. Malachi and Nebuchadnezzar are playin’ a cover two, and Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are stacked up in the box. Naturally, we gonna go with the triple option.
Rusty Cuyler: Granny, I’m the only one here.
Granny Cuyler: Fine. Get the ball and run somewhere. That’ll work.
Rusty Cuyler: Is daddy here yet?
Granny Cuyler: No, baby. He couldn't make it. But he sent a text sayin’, “Tell Rusty I’m thinkin’ about him, and I’m…”
Rusty Cuyler: “About to make sexuals…”
Early Cuyler: “...With hole in rotten gourd”. Now… …Let’s do this thing.
Rusty Cuyler: One potato, two potato, three potato… Hut, hut, hut!
Granny Cuyler: Throw it long! Now go long, dummy! You gotta catch it! Throw it to the end zone, then get down in the end zone!
Rusty Cuyler: Aaaaaah!
Granny Cuyler: N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!
Sheriff: Touchdown!
Granny Cuyler: Yeah! We win!
Sheriff: Eh, you probably could have just run the clock out, too.
Granny Cuyler: Tell me how my ass taste! Oh. Thanks for goin’ easy on us, coach.
Coach: Come on, kids. Don’t spend all day thanking our lord and savior for a frigging field goal.
Rusty Cuyler: Whoo! Yeah! I said yeah, yeah!
Granny Cuyler: Can somebody unscrew this top?
Rusty Cuyler: Hut, hut!
Sheriff: Whoo! Another frozen rope.
Early Cuyler: Now, just want in the hell are y’all doin’?
Sheriff: Uh, hey, Early. Well, we’re just makin’ a recruitment for college coaches.
Early Cuyler: College? No, no! Hell no! He’s gonna stay right here and tent that field that I’m gonna one day plant some mess in. It’s on my schedule. See here?
Sheriff: “2:00 to 3:00 -- Rotten gourd relations”.
Early Cuyler: Hey, that’s my personal time, there.
Sheriff: Well, you know, Early, sometimes them football boosters with provide your family with a car or even a house if you keep nice and quiet about it.
Early Cuyler: They’re gonna do what, now? He run… He throw… He catch… And he got him a secret weapon. Corner blitz, go!
Sheriff: Uh, please, I don’t want to blitz -- Aah!
Early Cuyler: Touchdown! Now go for two!
Sheriff: Please don’t go for two -- No!
Early Cuyler: Two-point conversion! Can’t no man tackle him in the open field. That’s why I use the wheat thresher.
Rusty Cuyler: No, daddy! No!
Early Cuyler: But can he outrun a bullet?
Rusty Cuyler: Oh!
Early Cuyler: Regrettably, no. Tape his ass up! You wanna wind up in the B.C.S., you come on down to the Cuyler place, talk some turkey. Alright, close with the star wipe. Star wipe! Come on, damn it! Do it! You’re makin’ me look like a damn fool!
Dan Halen: Yes, Rusty, that’s your recruitment tape on the world’s largest HD screen.
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, man, does that thing always kind of, like, rest on the field like that?
Dan Halen: Yeah. Picture it -- A sunny Saturday in the fall, 80, 000 fans shrieking your name in unison. “Rusty. Rusty! G-o-o-o-o, Rusty!"
Granny Cuyler: Well, no one’s gonna be shoutin’ his name if he’s ridin’ the pine. I mean, you ain’t gonna redshirt him or anything foolish like that, are ya?
Dan Halen: Who plays and when is really the coach’s decision. I stay out of it.
Granny Cuyler: Looks like you the one makin’ all the big decisions.
Dan Halen: Oh, sure, I’m occasionally in the huddle, but I let my coach take the majority of the heat. What do you say, coach lackey? Can you tell them what I want to hear?
Coach Lackey: This kid’s got the stuff!
Dan Halen: He’s a wonderful recruiter.
Rusty Cuyler: What about academics?
Dan Halen: Academics? Oh, yes, yes. We…have those.
Coach Lackey: This kid’s got the stuff!
Rusty Cuyler: I mean, what kinda classes would I be takin’ and everything?
Dan Halen: We have an honors-level seminar entitled “please don’t beat your girlfriend up in public,” and every athlete goes through an orientation -- “How to tell if it’s food”. It’s all just part of our nebulous communications degree.
Coach Ochocinco: Hey, Rusty, check this out!
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, man, is that Chad Ochocinco?!
Coach Ochocinco: I’m gonna do this after I score a touchdown next week, baby. Shocking the world.
Rusty Cuyler: What are you doin’ playin’ college ball?
Coach Ochocinco: I love sheetrock U. I been here nine years catching this pigskin, baby.
Rusty Cuyler: But, uh, I thought he was, like, a pro or something.
Dan Halen: What he chooses to do with his Saturdays is none of your or the NCAA’s business.
Coach Ochocinco: He’s got an explosive collar on me, man. How am I supposed to operate like this.
Dan Halen: Whoa-ho! Wait! I thought we agreed that that was “bling”.
Coach Ochocinco: This mother fucker ticks and blinks all day. We didn’t agree to anything! I wrote the book! I do it my --
Dan Halen: Let’s just move on the cheer.
Sheetrock University Football Players: Sheetrock, sheetrock, sheetrock u! Sheetrock u!
Dan Halen: Now take him to the slut dungeon!
Rusty Cuyler: I got to say, I was really impressed with sheetrock u.
Early Cuyler: Yeah, I think that’s about the best place to mold you and shape you into a real name. You know, that place what gimme the hummerzine.
Sheriff: Hey, Rusty, uh, I don’t want to put any pressure on you or anything, but before you make a decision, you really should consider all your options.
Early Cuyler: Yeah, there could be somebody out there that could provide us with two or even the number that come after two of hummerzines, on account of I give you all them athlete genes from saxin’ up your mama when she was a-droppin’ them eggs.
Sheriff: Well, Rusty, I got a fella traveled all the way up from Florida to tell you where he’s at. Tom?
Early Cuyler: Tom Treebow?!
Rusty Cuyler: Tom Treebow?!
Sheriff: That’s right -- Tom Treebow.
Early Cuyler: Helmsman trophy winner and startin’ quarterback from the national champion crocodiles of the university of the peninsular state just below the state of Georgia?!
Tim Treebow: Hey, Rusty. You know, someone has to fill my shoes next year with the crocodiles of the university of the peninsular state just below Georgia. Are you that someone?
Rusty Cuyler: Who, me? That sounds good. Y’all got a slut dungeon?
Early Cuyler: God, you so damn handsome! Wait, wait -- I can’t be feelin’ this! Get the hell off my land unless you’re here to administrate food and medical services, like you do in them third world countries in the -- In the off-season!
Granny Cuyler: Ooh! Can I get a free circumcision?
Early Cuyler: Hell, you’re gonna need more than that if that thing’s a penis.
Granny Cuyler: Well, it’s longer than it should be, I’ll say that.
Tim Treebow: Hey, man, let’s -- Let’s take a walk. Rusty, what does my eye black say?
Rusty Cuyler: “I am humble before he, but I am also number one in all statistical categories. Number one. Number one. Whoo, whoo”.
Tim Treebow: Oh -- Uh, continued on wristband.
Rusty Cuyler: “Whoo”.
Tim Treebow: That’s from corinthians… Probably. The leather company, right? I’m pretty sure.
Rusty Cuyler: I guess.
Tim Treebow: Rusty, when I call an audible, where do you think I get it?
Rusty Cuyler: Well, probably that two-way radio in your helmet.
Tim Treebow: Yeah. Sure. That. But also, where else?
Rusty Cuyler: I don’t know. Outer space?
Tim Treebow: No -- W -- Actually, yeah. You could say space. But more specifically, our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Would you like to meet him?
Rusty Cuyler: Yeah, sure. Alright.
Tim Treebow: Okay. Go ahead. Say hello. He’s here with us right now.
Rusty Cuyler: You mean like metaphorically, like he’s here all the time?
Tim Treebow: Well, yeah. But he’s also sitting your there. See? I’m braiding his hair.
Rusty Cuyler: I-I can’t really see him.
Tim Treebow: Oh. He must have his cloaking powers on. Just like the predator.
Sheriff: Uh, Rusty, Tom’s just had a lot of…Concussions in the past week, but --
Tim Treebow: Aah! Jesus, watch out! He has a laser!
Sheriff: He’s still cleared to play.
Tim Treebow: You -- Yeah, I have had that. What is this number on my chest? Can everybody see this?
Sheriff: Tom, why don’t you take a knee now, buddy? Rusty, what Tom’s tryin’ to say, I think, is that Jesus has a game plan for each of us, and I think he just called a play for you -- To sign up with the university of the peninsular state just below Georgia.
Tim Treebow: And Jesus lives in space.
Alabama Tech Coach: Well, I really enjoyed meeting you, and I…Endured the things we did. Uh, I really was hoping to talk to your grandson about the great opportunities we have down there at Alabama Tech.
Granny Cuyler: To be honest, I think he’s pretty well decided.
Alabama Tech Coach: You didn’t say that when we started. W-w-why’d you make me do those things back there?
Granny Cuyler: You had your fun. Now send in that fella from the semen holes on your way out.
Alabama Tech Coach: It’s pronounced “seminoles”.
Granny Cuyler: I know exactly what I said.
Rusty Cuyler: Who was that?
Granny Cuyler: Nobody. But if that feller recruits like he bangs, he ain’t gonna have no kinda team this fall. Shh!
Mountain West Coach: Well, you must be Rusty’s grandma.
Granny Cuyler: That’s right. And let’s hope you’re from the big ten.
Mountain West Coach: Mountain West, actually. Mountain West.
Granny Cuyler: Hmm. Mountin’ rear.
Mountain West Coach: Oh. Yeah, great. One of -- One of these deals, is it? Alright. Let me just mentally prepare for this.
Granny Cuyler: The hell you doin’ boy? You keep the rings on. You goin’ deep.
Rusty Cuyler: My son, Rusty, is the first one in the Cuyler family that was stupid enough to be brainwashed into college, and as his father, I truly hope he makes the best decision for me.
Early Cuyler: Uh, it needs to be good for him, too. Thank you.
Rusty Cuyler: Uh --
Tim Treebow: Look into your heart, Rusty. Do what you feel is right.
Dan Halen: Rusty, look at this rim -- On a necklace!
Tim Treebow: Remember, Jesus is all around you. But also, so is the predator.
Dan Halen: That’s some bling, yo. Damn!
Rusty Cuyler: I have to say that this has been a very difficult decision for me, but at the end I got to go what my gut tells me. So I’ve decided to sign with… …The barbielon fashion college! Whoo!
Early Cuyler: You what?!
Coach Lackey: This kid’s got the stuff!
Dan Halen: You’ve run this program into the ground!
Tim Treebow: Forgive him, Lord, he knew not what he did.
Early Cuyler: You mean you ain’t gonna play no more?! Son, you done told me you been out back, gettin’ fierce as hell with them tacklin’ dummies!
Rusty Cuyler: Well, I was gettin’ fierce. See? Check it out -- My fabrics, my patterns. Hell, you can’t coach that. I am a machine, y’all -- A sewin’! machine!