Sergeant Shaver is a minor character in Squidbillies, he appeared in "Drone to the Bone", he is a sergeant trained to stop terrorists by use of a drone.
History[]
In "Drone to the Bone", at Ballmart, when Rusty is playing a parody of Robot Unicorn Attack, Shaver's first line is "Enjoying the free game, huh?", Shaver say's "I'll tell you what with those arms, you're not gonna miss a button", he chuckles, Rusty continues to play the game, Shaver chuckles again, he say's "Nice to meet you, I'm staff Sergeant Shaver", Rusty replies "Shake one of them hands near my butt, I'm about to get the high score on this old boy", during the game Sergeant Shaver replies "Whoa!, Yeah, you're really opening a can on those sea horses, now, why aren't you blasting that insurgent blueberry?, he's right there on his knees come on, pop him!", Rusty say's "Oh, he's observing his holy season of Ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong, and he's praying to his broccoli lord", Shaver say's "Oh, hell, he does that five times a day deploy some laser-guided cake frosting up his ass then he'll be able to meet his pagan, non-Christian, false idol of a broccoli lord", Rusty say's "Uh, that -- that just don't feel right", Shaver mentions "Son, how would you feel if you let him live and he hijacks a butterfly and slams it into the side of the Gingerbeard Center?, And the next scene you know, all your peppermint faeries are wearing scarves over their faces or god forbid he should sneak into Glitter Junction and -- and then detonate a peanut-butter brickle cluster!", Rusty plays his game, he replies "Um, all right then", screaming is used, Shaver replies "There you go, solider -- high score!"< his game is completed with a mission accomplished, Rusty ends up saying "Well, thanks for the game, I'm gonna go out in the parking lot and see somebody will run over my foot and give me some food money", Shaver say's "Uh, now, now, hold on, son, how would you like a career out of playing video games?, plus, you could earn money for school, travel, see the world -- well, the dusty part of it, everything over there looks like a big motocross track", Rusty say's "That sounds pretty badass", Shaver say's "Well, you just sign your name right here, and we'll hook you up with a free haircut and some Jewelry", Rusty replied "Wait a minute now, I got to stay buck wild, Y'all are gonna let me keep the business up front and party in the back?", Shaver say's "The U.S. army is dedicated to find the right haircut for you".
Later Shaver reads a helmet saying "On Ice And All My Horny Pals Are" he ends up saying -- it's kind of a clunky nickname we couldn't fit it all on the helmet", Rusty say's "I got to wear a helmet?", Shaver laughs & replies "No, that's just for show, why, you're miles from the combat zone", Rusty replies "Hey, man, these are just like the controls from the video game", Rusty replies "Weird, huh?, well, let's see if it works just like the game, now, don't twert of facebox about this now, I'm told your Generation likes to, uh, you know, do some crap with your phones, I don't know", Rusty say's "Hey, man, can I mash me up some explody buttons now?", Shaver say's "You bet, solider", Rusty replies "All right, now, which one of these buildings should I tear the ass out of?".
Later after shooting some of the buildings, Rusty replies "Whoo!, hell yeah!, I laid me a stone cold whoopin' on that daycare facility!, Shaver say's "Nice job, soldier (slurps), go ahead and lay waste to the playground", Rusty replies "Wait a minute, something's moving down there", Shaver replies "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, keep shooting to earn more gold coins", Early destroyed the drone, Shaver replied "What the hell?, we lost the feed, the drone's down!", Rusty replies "Maybe somebody just unplugged the game", Shaver replies "This is not a game, soldier, even though it's been carefully designed to look like one!, don't you understand?, if this were to happen over Afghanistan, The Insurgents would put their brightest engineers on figuring out over technology".
Later Shaver & Rusty sent over more drones to practice terrorist hunting which were all destroyed by the likes of Early, Shaver replies "Damn it, son, you're losing all our drones!, I thought you said you could play this game!", Rusty replied "Man, I Swear there's something down there attacking us I'm doing everything just like in the game", Shaver mentions "Switch over to thermal imaging", Electric whirring, bleeping sounds are heard, Shaver noticed Early & Granny, There!, right there!, attack!", it attacks them, Rusty & Shaver notice Granny dancing with bombs on her, Rusty replied "Granny?", Shaver replies "The Terrorist!, there he is", Rusty replies "Actually, it's a she, but I can see where you'd make that mistake, though, she ain't always had that beard", Shaver replies "I don't give a damn whatever it is down there!, you...light...it...up!", Early is heard saying "Listen here A.T. Alien Mans!, she's rigged to blow!, now, if you blow here up, i'll blow her up, and this whole shooting match will blow up!, you got that?!, but if you leave this here Planet and don't blow her up, I'll still blow her up!", Granny replied "Wait, what?", Early replies "Either way, she blows up!", Shaver mentioned "He's bluffing, very weirdly", Rusty say's "No, sir, it ain't no bluff", Shaver replies "He believes it, well, he's still a moron he taped a bottle rocket and a remote control to her", after hearing Early speaking, Shaver replies "Okay, now he's butchering lines from "Tombstone", Shaver then replied "Just incinerate him, son", Rusty say's "But they're my kin, I can't do that", Shaver replied "Do you want money for college or not?!, take...them...out!", more drones are sent but after a many seconds they exploded, Early & Granny were safe, Rusty say's "Well, you -- y-you can't win 'em all, right, sergeant?, now here Do I go to get my college money?", he replied "Pakistan", Rusty replied "We ain't supposed to be over there", Shaver replies "We're not over there, but you will be", Rusty mentions "Well, uh, I quit, that's how my daddy do it when he don't like what he's hearing", Shaver's last lines are "That ain't how the arm works, son, now go pack your gear, you ship out in an hour".
Appearances[]
- "Drone to the Bone" (Only Appearance).