Squash B'Gosh/Quotes

Sheriff: Well, here they are, y’all, my babies. They say you know real love ‘til you purchase kids o’ your own. These little guys give me a reason to wake up in the mornin’.
Granny Cuyler: And you’re willing to pay me real money to make some Halloween costumes for ‘em?
Sheriff: Oh, you bet. Now, Colby wants to be a wizard, Shelby wants to be the first baby in space, and Kelby wants to be the sandworm from “Dune”.
Granny Cuyler: You’re lookin’ at a lot of man-hours here. How much are you willing to part with on this?
Sheriff: Well, whatever you think’s fair.
Early Cuyler: Two thousand dollars. Half up front, other half before we leave here today.
Sheriff: So, all of it up front.
Early Cuyler: You got yourself a deal, hoss.
Sheriff: Ah. Two grand’s a lot of money. But it'll be worth it to see their little eyes light up on Halloween night.
Granny Cuyler: What’s the button that makes the eyes light up?
Sheriff: Whoa! Wait the hell are you doin’, you dumb bitch?! You ripped the cellophane! These costumes go on the box. The dolls must never leave the box. If I don’t keep my Lettuce Leafies in mint condition, they lose value.
Early Cuyler: Oh, they’re valuable? Well, just how much monetary costification we talkin’ about?
Sheriff: Well, an unblemished doll, complete with adoption certificate in the original, pristine packagin’ could bring up to about five grand or so.
Early Cuyler: Is that right?
Sheriff: Yep. Lettuce Leafy dandy sprouts dolls are a good investment. If I’d ever sell ‘em. Which I won’t.
Granny Cuyler: You know, I never cared much for “Dune”. Herbert has some unresolved gender issues.
Early Cuyler: It don’t matter, ‘cause Sheriff ain’t getting ‘em. They going on our dolls which we gonna sell for five thousand dollars!
Granny Cuyler: But don’t dolls have heads, with faces on ‘em?
Early Cuyler: There! Doll.
Granny Cuyler: But don’t they also have bodies and arms and legs and hair and stuff?
Early Cuyler: Dang it, I’m the CEO of this company. Do I really need to micromanage this? Figure it out!
Granny Cuyler: Ooh! The doll-parts part store is opened. I’ll take two of these, one of these. No one’s gonna miss this one.
Rusty Cuyler: Squash B’Gosh. Get your dolls. Come on down, it’s like a mini mall. Oh, hey Tammi. Hey, buddy boy.
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Daddy!
Tammi: Is this right or did y’all just forget the decimal?
Early Cuyler: Damn straight, it’s right. Five thousand dollars. They collectables.
Rusty Cuyler: See Randy, it’s like a superhero, but it's made out of a gourd.
Tammi: Are these animal bones?
Granny Cuyler: No, no, they’re definitely not the bones of an animal. That’s the Squash B'Gosh guarantee.
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Pirate, pirate!
Rusty Cuyler: Hey, daddy, can I give one to the Macho Man here?
Tammi: Thanks, but Randy doesn’t need one of these.
Granny Cuyler: Oh! Let’s give him one. Who else is he supposed to play with, since his mama’s out every night, spreadin’ her legs for anybody with a dollar in their pocket?
Rusty Cuyler: Come on, Granny, don’t disparage Tammi in front of the child.
Granny Cuyler: So, she’s a slut, but I’m the bad guy?
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Pirate, pirate! I want pirate!
Tammi: Alright, just take it. Let’s go.
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Yay!
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, I’ll see y’all tonight for trick-or-treats.
Tammi: Don’t be late.
Granny Cuyler: Uh-oh. Heads up. Sheriff, three ol’ clock!
Early Cuyler: Hey, hey, hey, Sheriff. Uh, I got them Halloween costumes you wanted.
Sheriff: Just in time, Early. Huh. These are like a bunch of your old, sweaty novelty hats.
Early Cuyler: No, no, no, you been mistaken, Sheriff. This here is wizard. Here’s your spaceman. Ands this one here is your sandworm from “Dune”. Y’all enjoy now.
Sheriff: And what’s this over here?
Early Cuyler: Hey, hey! Don’t go over there.
Sheriff: Squash B’Gosh?!
Granny Cuyler: Yep! Our new line of collectables.
Sheriff: So you put my costumes on your dolls? Or am I to believe that the Sandworm from “Dune” is suddenly popular this year?
Early Cuyler: No, sir. This here is the worm from “Tremors”. Totally different worm.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, just give him one. It’s full of maggots, anyways.
Early Cuyler: Alright, fine. Here’s your damn adoption papers.
Sheriff: Well, just so you know, I’m contestin’ the charge on these damn costumes. Come along Tolby. Let’s go home and meet the gang.
Tammi: Randy, sweetheart, Squashbuckler’s startin’ to collect fruit flies, so why don’t we leave here while we go trick-or-treatin’.
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: I’m going bring ‘em!
Tammi: What if I let you have a hotdog?
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Hotdog, yay!
Tammi: Yeah! Hotdog.
Granny Cuyler: I think it’s time to call it.
Rusty Cuyler: Come on, daddy, wake up.
Early Cuyler: Wh-wh-what?! How many units did we move?!
Granny Cuyler: We? All you moved is about a fifth of that rotgut into your belly.
Early Cuyler: This is Tuesday. This is my goddamn day to drink.
Rusty Cuyler: Come on, daddy, let’s pack this stuff up. I gotta go meet Randy for trick-or-treatin’.
Early Cuyler: Like hell! Nobody wants this mess! I know this venture was doomed from the damn first to the damn Fall, even as I forced you to pursue it. Your job was to produce mint condition boxes. You didn’t like no boxes. Hell, that’s all people want. Boxes.
Sheriff: Alright, boys, it’s costume time! Colby, you're gonna be an unemployed alcoholic, um, Kelby, is a staunch gun advocate, and Delby here gets to be objectifier of women. Now, Shelby, I-I know you wanted to be the first baby in space, but you’re just gonna have to be ass man, since your daddy just can’t seem to come through for you. Hey, well, we still got the popcorn balls and pianta. Let’s let the new guy, Tolby, take the first swing, alright? Oh, come on, now! What shoddy workmanship this is. Look at these pathetic adoption papers. Death Certificate? 1864? Oh, he-hey, wait, unlock that door. And also, how are you movin’? Look at me, I’m talkin’ to a doll. I must be losin’ -- Oh! Tolby, no! That pinata’s up there!
Early Cuyler: Well, the curtain closes on another sad scene from my pathetic, goddamn life. Who else wants to line up and take a shot up my ass? ‘Cause, apparently, it’s open season!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, I thought you said we was leavin’ them dolls at the flea market.
Granny Cuyler: Oh, here it comes. I really screwed the pooch on this one.
Early Cuyler: Why are they walkin’, womarn?
Granny Cuyler: Well, you know how I got all them parts for ‘em out of the garden, right?
Rusty Cuyler: What, the Squash Garden?
Granny Cuyler: Nah, the Bone Garden.
Early Cuyler: The Confederate Graveyard?! You aren’t supposed to upset them bodies!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, you dig shit out of there all the time?
Early Cuyler: But I’m taking jewelry and confederate swords. That’s different. What kind of damn doll has skeletal feet and real, dead, human hair? I knew there was a damn problem here!
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, man, them things are tryin’ to flip us over!
Early Cuyler: And they touchin’ the trim! Don’t not touch the trim!
Rusty Cuyler: Oh, my god, we gave Randy one of them dolls!
Granny Cuyler: Oh, well, he’s dead, by now. Let’s move on.
Rusty Cuyler: The hell you say! Give me that wheel! I’m gonna save my boy!
Early Cuyler: You have damaged the SquashB’Gosh brand. This here’s a lawsuit waitin’ to happen. Somebody send out a tweet acceptin’ full responsibility. We need to get ahead of the damn narrative here.
Tammi: Well, your daddy’s late again. No surprise there. Looks like he ain’t home baby. Come on. Hey, I thought I told you to leave this nasty-ass doll at home?
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Trick or treat! Hot Dog!
Tammi: W-wait a minute. Don’t eat that. What is that?
Macho Man Randy Cuyler: Hot Dog!
Sheriff: That’s not a hotdog! That’s my finger. Don’t eat it! Y’all, please put that on ice and call the police.
Tammi: Hey, that’s one of them dolls -- Wait, where’s your pirate? Aah! Randy, run! Get off me, you son of a bitch! Ow!
Granny Cuyler: Get in here if you wanna live, bitch!
Rusty Cuyler: Oh no! Sheriff’s got one of them dolls, too!
Tammi: Yeah, he’s trapped inside with it.
Early Cuyler: Cover us, Granny. Come on, Rusty. I got a plan.
Sheriff: Tolby, stop! Please have mercy, son. Oh, Early, thank god.
Early Cuyler: Get the dolls in boxes!
Sheriff: Early.
Early Cuyler: Come on, don’t mess up the boxes! Open the door! Open the door! We’re rich as hell, baby! Whoo! Put these down on the floorboard and don’t nobody break the damn cellophane.
Tammi: What about the Sheriff?
Sheriff: No, Early.
Early Cuyler: Aw, damn it! There’s blood on this box! Hell, it’s ruined! I’m goin’ back in there to get a clean one.
Rusty Cuyler: They’re coming in hot! I don’t know if I can stop ‘em. Oh, no! Daddy!
Sheriff: Oh, thank god!
Early Cuyler: We need to lure ‘em all in here, then burn the house down.
Sheriff: Wait.
Early Cuyler: It’s the only damn way.
Sheriff: There are plenty o’ other ways, Early.
Early Cuyler: Too late, I’m done it.
Tammi: Get in, get in! Come on, squeeze in tight. Let’s go!
Early Cuyler: Scoot over! scoot over!
Sheriff: Early, wait!
Early Cuyler: There’s no more room, Sheriff. Kelby, Shelby, Golby, and Colby is takin’ up too much space.
Tammi: We can make room. Just take the dolls out of the boxes.
Early Cuyler: Don’t you dare take them out of them boxes!
Sheriff: They must not come out of the boxes! Ow! Tolby!
Tammi: Rusty, they are eatin’ him! Get rid of the dolls!
Granny Cuyler: Get rid of you, whore! These are worth money!
Tammi: Come on, Randy, we’ll die, if we stay with these dumbasses.
Rusty Cuyler: Wait, Tammi! I can protect you!
Sheriff: No, Shelby! Colby! Delby! Ohhh! Uh, Halloween’s over. Why aren’t they stopping?
Granny Cuyler: Maybe they just live forever, whether it’s Halloween, or not. Hell, I don’t know.
Early Cuyler: Uh, Sheriff, what were some of them other plans you talkin’ about last night?
Sheriff: How about the plan where you fight your godless abominations at your own house instead of draggin’ ‘em into my neighborhood and wipin’ out my property values!
Early Cuyler: Aw, calm down, now, Sheriff. I found this here sailor suit, if you still interested?
Sheriff: Well, I don’t know who’d wear it, since it’s the day after Halloween and -- And -- And all my little babies are dead.
Early Cuyler: Valid points, Sheriff. I think the bubble’s done burst here on this doll craze, anyhow. I mean, these killer dolls gonna sour everybody on the good’uns.
Granny Cuyler: Yeah, they’ll all be painted with the same brush. And, now, we're gonna die.
Rusty Cuyler: Made in Georgia.