The War on The War on Christmas/Quotes

Dan Halen: Welcome, everyone, to the recently renamed winter solstice festival. In an effort to celebrate the diversity that seems to be inevitable, regardless of what immigration law we pass, our annual Christmas tree will now be called the evergreen of seasonal inclusiveness! We added one of these candleholders here to celebrate the jews or something.
Sheriff: I think it’s called Menorah.
Dan Halen: I think it’s called “Who told you to speak?” Kwanzites, we give you a half-hearted nod for your recently adopted weird thing with a differently-colored menorah.
Sheriff: Actually, sir, they call that a kinara.
Dan Halen: I will have your lungs removed. Say another word. Say it! And for you atheists and agnostics, we have a portrait of Neil Grease Tyson staring at aliens and black holes, whatever. And finally, to top the tree, the traditional, non-denominational glitter-sphere of ambiguity. Have a very merry, gender-neutral, Winter-based period of time. There! Have I given everyone the ridiculous little ritual you need to grease the hinges on your wallets?
Sheriff: What about the muslims?
Dan Halen: What about them? Stores are open. We have numbers to hit! Get consuming!
Granny Cuyler: Yeah, I think we got everybody covered.
Early Cuyler: He included every son of a bitch under the sun. What next? Santa Claus coming down your chimney to perform abortions on demand? This sickens me. Come on, god damn it. Let’s go shopping.
Granny Cuyler: Aw, they run out of them little, tiny critters that sit on top of your bookshelf and get off once you pee.
Rusty Cuyler: Yeah, they ain’t what they for, Granny?
Granny Cuyler: Listen, what I do in my bedroom is my own business.
Rusty Cuyler: Why don’t you try one of these knock offs?
Early Cuyler: The jew in the loo? Kwanzaa Keith? What happened to all the good Jesus-loving Elves? Or are they banned now?
Rusty Cuyler: No, they’re sold out, daddy.
Granny Cuyler: Hey, brown sugar. You into water sports?
Early Cuyler: That’s it! I’m declaring a war on the war on Christmas! We’re taking our holiday back! If you take “Christ” out of Christmas… …All you got is “mas”. And I say “no mas” to that. Ohh! It hurts!
Granny Cuyler: You do know at Christmas, Jesus was only a little, tiny baby?
Early Cuyler: What the hell are you saying?
Granny Cuyler: You already got that baby-diaper, you just shoulda stayed a baby.
Early Cuyler: Shut that damn face-anus of yours and nail my other arm.
Granny Cuyler: Oh, it’s heavy.
Early Cuyler: Take it off safety, now.
Granny Cuyler: But it’s so heavy.
Early Cuyler: No, no, no! Don’t set it right there! Ahh!
Granny Cuyler: Oh, that’s heavy.
Early Cuyler: You nailed me through the forehead. That ain’t biblically accurate! Pry me off this floor. I-I need to spread some gospel.
Female Coffee Cashier: Thank you. Happy holidays. Season’s greetings. What can I get going for you?
Early Cuyler: One venti triple cappuccino. Room for cream.
Female Coffee Cashier: Should I put your name as “Jesus Christ?”
Early Cuyler: No, my name is not “Jesus Christ,” but I speak for him. And I say stop shitting all over his birthday.
Female Coffee Cashier: Just tell me what name to put.
Early Cuyler: My name is “Merry Christmas”. And I’m gonna sit way over here, so that you got to call it out nice and loud. Your corporate overloads don’t like it, but I’m gonna make you say it.
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, please don’t make a scene.
Early Cuyler: The hell are you doing here? Slinging hot-bean water for a bunch of sodomites?
Rusty Cuyler: I’m just picking up extra shifts during the holid--
Early Cuyler: Don’t you say that word.
Rusty Cuyler: Christmas, daddy. Okay? Christmas.
Female Coffee Cashier: “Merry Christmas,” your drink is ready.
Early Cuyler: Say it louder, now. Say my name.
Female Coffee Cashier: “Merry Christmas,” your drink is ready.
Early Cuyler: That’s right. Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh. Ooh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Pretty good beverage, there. Fitting you’d have a big ol’ snowflake on your cups, ‘cause that’s what y’all are in here -- A bunch of damn snowflakes! Now ring me up another and bring a straw this time! Where’s my coffee? Where’s my sumbitchin’ coffee, god damn it? I can feel my hair growing inside my head!
Female Coffee Cashier: “Jesus Christ is the one true lord, the virgin Mary brought forth her first-born son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in the manager because there was no room at the inn,” your caramel macchiato is ready.
Early Cuyler: I done told you, “more whipped cream!” How many sumbitchin’ times I gotta to say it?!
Rusty Cuyler: D-Daddy, it’s closing time, and we need to settle up.
Early Cuyler: 70,000?! For hot-bean wash? What would Jesus pay?
Rusty Cuyler: He would pay the whole bill, daddy.
Early Cuyler: But the spirit was ordering through me. I-I-I ain’t got nothing to do with it. This here deal is off I was merely his vessel. I’m boycotting this. Ugh. Thank God.
Female Coffee Cashier: Happy holidays.
Early Cuyler: Shut up!
Kyle Nubbins: Car, everybody! Car! Phones down! Phones down!
Krystal: I think they ain’t slowing down ‘cause baby Jesus got himself a mustache.
Deputy Denny: I ain’t shaving. It took me five years to grow this.
Sheriff: I think we’re all gonna have a very Myrrh-y Christmas. Good one, Myrrh. And to all a good…Uh…Frankincense. More like “not-making-sense”. Myrrh! You’re on fire. Call the burn ward. These guys are a couple cutups.
Early Cuyler: Look at this shit show.
Kyle Nubbins: Oh, hey, Early.
Granny Cuyler: Hi, Early!
Early Cuyler: With a Mary that size, Hell, I can see why there wasn’t no room in the damn inn.
Krystal: Oh, I’m gonna fuck you up!
Early Cuyler: Whoa, whoa! Hold on, biggin’. Hands off, now.
Kyle Nubbins: I thought your name was “too valuable to be standing on the shoulder of the road with a thumb up your ass”.
Early Cuyler: Well, that sounds like the words of a wise man.
Sheriff: There’s already three of us. Yeah, who’s this asshole? Chill out, bros. Nobody’s after your job, especially the way we’re crushing this.
Kyle Nubbins: Well, if you want to volunteer, Early, we’re still light on animals.
Krystal: We still need a jackass.
Early Cuyler: Oh, I think Glenn’s already got that well covered.
Glenn: I’m a camel, dick-weed.
Early Cuyler: Whatever gets you through the night, Glenn. Yeah, you got a real fine petting zoo, here. But if y’all really want to save Christmas, we need to fight this here war house-to-house and block-to-block.
Everyone: We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. And a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. As intended by God.
Early Cuyler: I just didn’t want the message to get muddled with all them other secular words.
Everyone: Silent night, holy night. It’s “Merry Christmas”. You better say it right.
Early and Granny: Not season’s greetings or happy holidays. For you, the hottest fires of Hell will blaze. Not generic tidings and wishes of well. You’re gonna die like fat pigs in Hell.
Early Cuyler: Hey, where’s my backup, here?
Kyle Nubbins: I’m sorry, but I’m done threatening people in song.
Early Cuyler: Well, I sure as hell ain’t.
Kyle Nubbins: Happy holidays.
Early Cuyler: I got me another Christmas carol to sing. Make your mouth say “Merry Christmas”. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Christmas. Open that goddamn door! Merry Christmas Eve, y’all.
Granny Cuyler: Oh, Early, a gift? You shouldn’t have.
Early Cuyler: I know. I only did it to prove a point. I got everyone gifts from companies that only wish strictly “Merry Christmas”. Ain’t no companies that do that, so I had to make me some stuff.
Granny Cuyler: Ooh, goody! It’s a whistle! I can finally achieve my dream of becoming an NBA referee. Ffffff! Foul! Ffffffffft! Technical --
Early Cuyler: Here. Open yours, Tammi.
Tammi: Well, uh, as much as we’d love to say, we’re taking Randy down to the Winter Solstice Festival.
Early Cuyler: The what festival?! P.C. Pablum run amok! I refuse to attend.
Tammi: Great, see ya later.
Dan Halen: The evergreen of seasonal inclusiveness? I’ve opened the yuletide tent to every scientologist, god worshipping and for what! No net in fourth-quarter earnings after adjustment for inflation -- Zero!
Sheriff: Aw, Mr. Halen. It don’t matter whether I say “Happy holidays” to an atheist or “Merry Christmas” to a jew. No matter what you skin color or what god you worship, we’re all in this together.’
Dan Halen: Was that it? That’s your message? “Stuff happens, no one cares?” That’s the big takeway?
Sheriff: I-I guess so. You want a hug?
Dan Halen: No. I want you to take a cold shower. Your erection is highly inappropriate.
Sheriff: This suit’s just so soft.
Dan Halen: No! The non-denominational sphere of ambiguity!
Early Cuyler: And, lo, the angel of the lord came upon them.
Dan Halen: Ah! Early!
Sheriff: Early!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy!
Granny Cuyler: Hi, Early!
Glenn: Jump.
Early Cuyler: “I bring you tidings of great joy. For unto you is born this day is savior. Lo! What child is this?
Tammi: Randy! Oh, my god! He’s got my baby up there!
Rusty Cuyler: Daddy, put him down! That’s my boy!
Sheriff: Oh, my god!
Granny Cuyler: Hi, Randy! It’s me, Granny! I’m down here, too.
Early Cuyler: Now that I have your attention, Merry Christmas, everybody. Now say it back to me! I said it to you!
Sheriff: Alright, everybody, do as he says.
Everyone: Merry Christmas.
Early Cuyler: And from now on, that’s how we gonna greet each other in this town. No “hello,” no “goodbye,” no “I’m sorry,” no “gesundheit”. Only “Merry Christmas,” are we clear on this?
Krystal: Whatever.
Early Cuyler: No! You say “Merry Christmas” on that!
Everyone: Merry Christmas!
Tammi: We said it, now bring my son down here, you son of a bitch.
Early Cuyler: Also, the living nativity will now be year ‘round so nobody forgets the reason for the season. Can I get me a “Merry Christmas?”
Everyone: Merry Christmas.
Early Cuyler: I can’t hear you.
Everyone: Merry Christmas.
Early Cuyler: Finally. That’s all I ever wanted, y’all. A little yuletide cheer never killed nobody.
Deputy Denny: Boom! I got him!
Early Cuyler: Whoa! Whoa!
Early and Denny: Aah!
Tammi: Oh, my god. Randy!
Rusty Cuyler: That’s my boy up there!
Early Cuyler: I gonna die! I gonna die! Aah!
Dan Halen: Everybody, grab the evergreen of seasonal inclusive-- Ah. Grab the Christmas tree!
Sheriff: Grab the tree, y’all.
Rusty Cuyler: You keep that tree steady now.
Early Cuyler: Oh, lord, thank you Jesus. Aah! Aah!
Sheriff: The tree-top! It’s brittle.
Deputy Denny: We forgot to water it!
Early Cuyler: I’m gonna die! Aah! Aah! Whoo!
Tammi: Randy! Thank god.
Rusty Cuyler: Alright, you’re alive!
Early Cuyler: It’s a Christmas miracle. Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ. Thank you for keeping us safe and unharmed.
Sheriff: For Christ’s sake, call a doctor.
Glenn: Merry Christmas, and happy Fourth of July, dick.
Early Cuyler: Merry Christmas, and get fat ass back here, Glenn. You signed up to be the camel.
Glenn: I did that back in December, so, uh, not happening.
Sheriff: It’s July, Early. Can we call it a day on this nativity here? We only agreed to all this to save the boy’s life.
Early Cuyler: And now they won’t even let me within 2,000 feet of him. I still say he’d make a better baby Jesus than me. I mean, these swaddling clothes is hot as hell.
Deputy Denny: Merry Christmas, Early. See my cup?
Early Cuyler: Enough already!
Santa Claus (voice): Ho, ho, ho! Made in Georgia. Ho, ho, ho!