Vicki (episode)/Quotes

Vicki: Excuse me. I was looking through your organic section and I noticed you really don’t have one. Y’all don’t still freerange eggs, do ya?
Boyd: Well, I got nine pickled eggs in here. I was supposed to throw ‘em out last night, so they’re priced to bounce.
Early Cuyler: On your goddamn knees, right now! Let’s go! Eggs in that jar, or I’m gonna pop your head like a sumbitchin’ balloon! Vicki girl, is that you?
Vicki: Oh, my god! Please, don’t hurt me!
Early Cuyler: Hell, it’s me, Early Cuyler! Come on, don’t you remember, second grade? I sat behind you that one day, and then, I quit.
Vicki: Yes. The -- The talking squid. Bring it in for a hug, now, baby. Come on! Mm-mmm!
Early Cuyler: Yeah. Last time I heard about you, you was runnin’ off to that lesbian college, to learn how to be a lesbian.
Vicki: It’s pediatrician, actually.
Early Cuyler: Yep. Things is comin’ up roses for me. I’m a big goddamn success. And it’s all thanks to Jesus Christ for showin’ me the way. Can I testify to you?
Sheriff: Drop that gun, Early. Down on the -- Vicki? Is that you?
Early Cuyler: Yeah, that’s her.
Vicki: Hey, Sharif!
Sheriff: Gimme me a hug. Oh, hell! Mmm, mmm! What brings you back to town?
Vicki: Well, my dad’s real sick now. I’m just back in town to sort of, you know, take care of him, make him feel comfortable.
Sheriff: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Vicki. So are you still, uh, practicin’ as a lesbian?
Vicki: It’s pediatrician.
Early Cuyler: They the same damn thing.
Vicki: No, actually, they’re not. So what have been doin’ all these years?
Early Cuyler: Oh, you know, drinkin’, watchin’ me some badass heavy metal videos on my phone, mostly.
Vicki: I was talkin’ to Sharif.
Sheriff: Oh, you know, a little of this, little of that. Nothin’ I’d write home about. ‘Cause I never left home, so that’d be a foolish letter to write, you know. Waste of a stamp and all that.
Vicki: Well, I’ll be in town a while. Maybe we should have lunch?
Sheriff: Are you serious?! That’d be great.
Early Cuyler: I’ll be in town, too! I ain’t allowed to leave, once they set a court date.
Vicki: I have to go.
Early Cuyler: You ain’t changed a bit. ‘Cept for your knockers is bigger lot. Yeah, baby!
Deputy Denny: You actually fillin’ a report for that robbery?
Early Cuyler: Oh, come on now! That’s gonna mess up my permanent record!
Sheriff: Oh, relax, Early. I’m just binge-lookin’ all of Vicki’s status updates. I wanna see if she’ll accept my “more than friends” request.
Early Cuyler: She accepted friend request? I done sent her a couple. She must still be goin’ through them.
Deputy Denny: Damn, Sheriff. You just liked some fried chicken she ate in 2009. Stalker, much?
Sheriff: Well, she wrote “yum,” so I’m gonna add save some for me :).
Early Cuyler: Type “DTF??”
Sheriff: Uh, what’s that mean?
Early Cuyler: That’s computer code for “Down. To. [chang]“.
Sheriff: No. No-o-pe, uh-uh-uh! I’m gonna tell Vicki I’m, uh… DTG…TKY. “Down to get to know you” -- B, better. Look, she just responded. Three question marks and a picture of a winkin’ cat. I think I’m in, boys. The economy’s boomin’ around here. We now have five tattoo parlors and two tattoo laser removal facilities.
Vicki: Hey, isn’t that where we went to kindergarten?
Sheriff: Yep, it’s a vaped crusader now. But I don’t put that crap anywhere near my lungs. I’m a purist. Ahem.
Vicki: Wow.
Sheriff: Yep. All I had to do was fill out a form and the feds just gave it to me.
Vicki: Do your ever have to use it?
Sheriff: Oh, lord, no. Maybe I’d break it out, if we had a race riot, or somethin’. But all the races here get along fine, you know, as long as they kind of keep to themselves, so.
Vicki: But that’s segregation.
Sheriff: Well, maybe, we had any minorities in this county, but all us white folks been integrated here with each other for decades and we all get along like gangbusters.
Vicki: You know, I had a really good time, Sharif. Oh, lord. Daddy’s out. Get off my property. Come on, daddy.
Vicki’s Father: I don’t wanna go back inside. It’s pretty stressful, takin’ care of an elderly parent.
Sheriff: Oh, I stuck mine in a home. But, hey, if he can hang on through next week, I’d really love to take ya out for tacos. One of the tattoo places here used to be a taco place, you know, and they still give out tacos. But we may have to get a tattoo to get us a free taco there.
Vicki: I’d like that very much.
Sheriff: Which one, the tattoo or the tacos?
Vicki’s Father: Is this your boyfriend? He’s stupid.
Sheriff: Boyfriend? Is that what we’re doin’ here?
Vicki: I’ll talk to you later, Sharif. Thanks for today.
Sheriff: I just got back from Vicki’s, and it went well! Very well! I heard the term boyfriend bandied about, too. I’m gonna call her and let her know that I got here safe. She’d be worried, otherwise.
Early Cuyler: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, hoss! You messin’ up. You gotta play it cool here.
Sheriff: No, I -- I don’t wanna wait and play it cool. I’m DTC, down to cuddle.
Early Cuyler: Womerns don’t wanna cuddle with no damn man that don’t look good. I mean, look atcha! You don’t look good!
Sheriff: Oh, Early, looks ain’t everythin’. Mama says I’m sweet as a little sugar plum.
Early Cuyler: Well, if you looked good, like me, you wouldn’t need no damn personality. Get your credit card peacock. Get out your credit card, peacock. We about to upgrade your plumage so you can bock, bock, bock-a-cock, bock, bock, ba-cock, ba-cock! Whoo! Everythin’ you wear sends a message, do I picked out some shirts and hats with messages on ‘em.
Sheriff: I really like these shiny-ass glitter jeans with the sparkle butt. They really make my flat ass pop, don’t they?
Early Cuyler: Ooh, macho as hell! We ‘bout to strut your stuff like a redassed baboon!
Sheriff: Why am I struttin’ my stuff out here at 2:00 in the mornin’?
Early Cuyler: This here is how you get to know a girl, without her gettin’ to know that you gettin’ to know her. Now, get on down there and gimme some pushups. Get them muscles swolled up good before you see her.
Sheriff: One… Wait, Early! What are you doin’?!
Early Cuyler: We takin’ this relationship to the next level! Whoa!
Sheriff: Ah. She was beautiful. Back then, I just never had a shot of her.
Early Cuyler: And look at you now. Right in the honey hole.
Sheriff: What are you doin’ with a video camera?
Early Cuyler: You got a thumb, don’t you? Show me your thumb!
Sheriff: Like this?
Early Cuyler: No, dumbass. You wipe your thumb across your neck like it’s a damn buck knife. That’s your way of sayin’ “There’s only one way out of this here relationship, and I just showed it to you,” damn it.
Sheriff: Early, this -- This don’t feel fun no more.
Early Cuyler: Panty drawer: Jackpot!
Sheriff: Oh, man, that was a rush! What now? Do we watch the tape? I just wouldn’t feel right, masturbatin’ to it.
Early Cuyler: Watch the tape? Only a simpleminded dumbass would think that. Tape is for to watch. That’s why I left it.
Sheriff: You what?! But I-I’m all over that tape!
Early Cuyler: The tape tells her “I touched on you and done wrong things to you, but I didn’t, ‘cause I’m a standup guy”.
Sheriff: Oh, hell, Early, it’s her.
Early Cuyler: Yeah, there we go! We got her to make the first move!
Vicki: Somebody pried open my window last night and left a videotape.
Sheriff: Can I get that tape from ya?
Deputy Denny: Glitter, all over the crime scene.
Sheriff: This is from those macho sparkle jeans with the glitter butt on ‘em. Maybe whoever our guy is can, ahem, glue that back on. So where’s the tape, again, Vicki?
Vicki: Maybe we should just watch it.
Sheriff: No, no, let’s let this guy, whoever he is, let’s just let me off with a warning’. I’m sure he won’t do this ever again.
Vicki: How do you know who “he” is?
Sheriff: Oh, I don’t know. He could be anyone. But I just matched the DNA on my smartphone. Whoever he is, we don’t know him. But we need to get that tape right now.
Deputy Denny: Is this the tape?
Sheriff: Wait, don’t play this tape, Denny. I wish I could see your beautiful eyes right now. Oh, hell. But please don’t open them. That could be bad for me.
Vicki: Sharif?!
Sheriff: I-I was merely testin’ you for sleep apena, Vicki. All Dougal County residents get a free sleep apnea screenin’. We don’t tell you about it in advance. And that’s me, uh, you know, sniffing your panties, ahem, for drugs and -- Oh, here. Got ‘em back from the lab just this mornin’. Uh, you’re clean.
Vicki: You know, I thought you were a little weird, but I also thought that you were sweet and decent!
Sheriff: But, Vicki, I was just tryin’ to get to know you without you knowin’ I was tryin’ to get to know you.
Vicki: Get. Out.
Sheriff: Baby, please!
Vicki: Get out!
Deputy Denny: She didn’t press charges, so, you’re free to go. Hell, that door ain’t even locked.
Sheriff: I’ll always be in jail, Denny. A jail called heartbreak.
Deputy Denny: Check it out.
Sheriff: You tagged a photo of me in jail?! Did Vicki like it?
Deputy Denny: Ah, I bet she’s pretty tied up right now with her daddy’s funeral.
Sheriff: Oh, no. Her daddy passed? That’s terrible.
Early Cuyler: That’s perfect. You just swoop on in there and you got yourself a storybook endin’.
Sheriff: That’s right, Early. We -- We need to go and provide a police escort, or somethin’.
Deputy Denny: I don’t think she wants you at her funeral.
Early Cuyler: But you know what I always say:
Early and Sheriff: Womens don’t know what they want until you give it to them. Then, they complain that they didn’t want what you thought they wanted”. Now, let’s do this! Whoo!
Vicki: Thank you all for comin’ out today to honor daddy. As y’all know, he was a private man and he just wanted a quiet service on the hillside and --
Sheriff: Attention! Please accept this dignified striptease of sorrow in honor of Vicki’s daddy.
Vicki: Sharif! What are you doing?!
Sheriff: Only the best, Vicki. What are you doin’ Denny? I said fire at the end of the song.
Deputy Denny: This is fun!
Elderly People: Aah!
Vicki: Stop the tank!
Deputy Denny: They didn’t train us how to stop it.
Sheriff: Everyone back away from the tank. They did not train us how to use this.
Vicki: Daddy! His grave! Sharif! Oh, my god!
Woman Telephone Voice: We’re sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no long--
Sheriff: Well, I guess it’s over. She changed her phone number, her email, and her address.
Early Cuyler: Oh, she’s just playin’ hard to find.
Sheriff: That dance didn’t work at all, did it?
Early Cuyler: Like I always said, “Womens don’t like it when you run over their dead daddies with a damn tank while you’re half-nakedat a funeral”.
Sheriff: When’d you ever say that?
Early Cuyler: I say it all the time. That’s your problem: You listen, but you just. Don't. Hear.
Rusty Cuyler: Made in Georgia!